Chapter Seven: Problem Children

Tuesday, August 10th
3:00 PM
Half an hour later we were pulling into the other Simon’s parking spot in
the Derwillion Foods parking garage. We have proved that not even a GPS system and detailed directions can get us anywhere easily. Well, me anyways. I’m sure the neighborhood is great. The address was sure swanky but I was way too nervous to look around much. The parking garage is sure neat. I’ve lived in apartments that weren’t this nice. There’s also a lot of staff. That’s weird. I’m used to the places you either bring your radio with you when you leave or never see it again.

“What do you think of Joe?” Robert surprises me with this question. Is it distraction from the huge risk we’re taking?

“I spent five minutes sober with him. Based on that, I’d say he’s the greatest thing since DVDs.” Robert doesn’t seem happy with the answer. “What gives? You met the guy last night.”

“Yeah, but he’s just so cool. Did I tell you that was his name? Joe Kuhl. The thing is he swears his parents have no sense of humor. The name just happened.” I try the stay silent trick. “I dunno, ‘Mon. There was this electric connection the moment he walked in that room. I know you give me shit about how quick I’ll hop in the sack but with Joe it felt like it was meant to be.”

“Love at first fuck?”

“Come on. Even I’m not that pathetic. It’s infatuation and the feeling that this is the first step to something big. We even connect with clothes on.” This is big. Robert once dated someone for six months without ever really having a conversation with them. “You know, Joe was kicked out by his own Main Line family at sixteen. Screwing one single gardener and he had an hour to pack and leave. Well okay, there was a lot more than the one gardener but that’s all they knew about it.”

“That sucks. Margate and Simon took him in?”

“And Paterson. Joe’s very big on Paterson. No telling where he would have ended up without them all. Probably selling his ass like Pat.” Pat, a hustler? Considering his sunny self it’s hard to believe the guy had such a hard life. “Yeah, Pat’s positive too but I’m not supposed to know that. Figured you should.”

“Guess it’s cool my twin was progressive.” It is a nice change to have some positive news about the other me but I’m still a little numb there.

“Progressive? Derwillion Foods is the biggest supporter of AIDS charities in this part of the country. If the man was a jerk at least he had a good heart.” I should have known Robert would have picked up on how I was feeling. Out of our group of friends, Robert and me have always been the most in tune. “Makes me want to get to know Joe better even more. His being part of the family means he’s had a hand in whatever good they’ve been up to.”

“Just be careful, okay?” Robert takes that wrong.

“Simon, I know what’s at stake even better than you do. Whatever I do with Joe won’t get us in trouble with the cops.”

“That’s not what I meant. The last time you felt like this it was with Andre.” Robert looks away at the sound of The Name. I again try being quiet to draw him out but instead he just gets out of the car. I have to hustle to catch up.

I wish I could be as calm and cool as my friend here. Robert has perfected looking like nothing short of a nuclear blast could ruin his composure. I know for a fact he’s as wigged out as I am but he’s walking towards the elevator like he’s been here a hundred times before. I guess he’s right about having these folks acclimated to changes in Simon Douglas. If I’m gonna be this skittish for a while they better start getting used to it.

“Simon!” Only Robert’s hand on the small of my back keeps me from jumping back in the elevator and hurtling back to the car. I only relax when I realize it’s a teenaged boy running toward me. What harm can he do? “Ohmigod, I was so worried!” Apparently he can do a lot! Sixteen at most, blond with blue eyes, and overall good-looking, the kid launches into what is a cross between a flying tackle and a hug. I might just suffocate! As my vision starts to dim from oxygen loss I can see Robert is as much at a loss here as I am.

“Elvis Marquette! What do you think you’re doing!” Ah, so we have a name for the teen hottie. Now we also have some intel about Fern Marquette: He has made an excellent contribution to the gene pool. The rescuing voice is none other than the uncle from last night, Paterson. “Elvis, you know Margate agreed to you spending your spare time here if you didn’t get in the way. What do you call leaping into the arms of the company’s CEO?” Now this is a side to Uncle Paterson he didn’t show last night. His words are little harsh but his tone isn’t. Paterson clearly likes Elvis.

“But, Paterson! Simon could have been killed last night! When they got the call at that party last night they even thought it was him at first!” Elvis is clearly upset. Hero worship? Elvis is way too young for me. I pray to god he was too young for the other me too! Paterson’s face softens as he too sees the tears in Elvis’ face. Instinct propels me in a way that gets a gasp from Robert.

“Elvis...” This time I hug Elvis and the scared boy melts into me. If I had any doubts that the kid was gay, they vanish by the way he sinks into my arms. “I’m fine, Elvis. It wasn’t me. What happened was awful and someone did die but I am here and will be here for a long, long time.” Sniffling a little, Elvis pulls back. For a moment I think I see pride and shock on Paterson’s face. Maybe he isn’t the jerk I dismissed him as last night. The guy is totally being fatherly to little Elvis here.

“Elvis, we better get going. I just talked to Emerson and your father is on his way back to the office. You have a rehearsal soon anyway...” Elvis smiles broadly and even Robert finds himself responding. Paterson offers Elvis a ride back to the school and tells him to wait downstairs. “That was good of you, Simon. They boy was frantic about you and it was all we could do to keep him from going to the house.” No one has to tell me there was tension between my late brother and this man. There is also no doubt my actions just now have done something to lessen that. I don’t know what to say to him. Luckily enough that’s the reaction Unc expected so he just nods and heads off after the office mascot.

Robert says nothing as we continue to the reception area that Margate and Simon shared. What would I do without him? The cram session on restaurant business he gave me on the way was great. Of course, we almost didn’t get to have one because of Pat. The guy insisted he should fill in for Joe and drive us himself. Pat may come off as a bit unaware but even he would have noticed something odd if Robert was tutoring me in the back seat. I guess we lucked out with Mrs. O. She saw we wanted to go Pat-less so she got his enthusiasm diverted without him ever noticing.

When we finally do take the last few steps we are in for a surprise. Chaz really does look as good as he sounds. All we knew was he sounded good and Joe told Robert he was Irish-Japanese. That didn’t prepare us for how well those two types of genes mixed in this case. Think Keanu but gayer and even more beautiful. Chaz could have been a model and as hot as Joe and Pat are, Chaz is even better and he’s the one Simon kept closest to him. Since he was basically me with tons of money I’m surprised Simon could work with this man sitting outside his office door. Even dressed for business Chaz exudes sex and sensuality.

“Good morning, Mister Douglas. Ms. Derwillion’s still out but Joe thinks they’ll be back in an hour or so. Your aunt will probably check in with Misters Derwillion and Marquette first.” The effect of that sex soaked voice is even better in person.

“She probably wants to see what mischief they’ve been up to.” A slight smile from Chaz tells me I’m right.

“You’d know that better than I would.”

“If that were true you’d have been fired by now.”

“Only Monday and dismissal has come up in conversation twice. I can tell we’re in for a fun week. Ah well, messages are on your desk and Mister Derwillion said he and your little stalker didn’t tell a soul you were here.” Another piece of the Elvis puzzle. “I should warn you that my mother is worried about you. I told her you weren’t expected today but she still plans on bringing some cookies in for you.”

“You say this as though it’s a bad thing. My people revere cookies.”

“If only comforting you were her sole motivation. She’s hoping you’ll like them so much you’ll buy the recipe from her.” I sense a little chink in Mister Calm And Collected’s armor and it’s his mother. Maybe a little fun is in order?

“More likely I could license it and she would have the seed money necessary to start her own bakery.”

“My god, don’t encourage her!” Direct hit to starboard! “I think sometimes her role model is Lucy Ricardo with all the zany schemes she comes up with. The best thing is to ignore one until she moves onto the next.” I get the feeling Mrs. Griffith is a Cool Mom. You know, the type. Everyone on Earth loves the lady and has so much fun with her. The only ones she drives crazy is her own children. I can picture a younger Chaz cringing as his mom did everything but party with his friends.

“Chill, Chaz. I’ll follow your lead with her but you should really find out if a scheme is zany before you write it off. Isn’t that what she would do for you?”

I continue into ‘my’ office and reach the desk before I realize Robert isn’t following. I don’t know whether he or Chaz stopped the other but they look to be connecting at the desk. Robert winks at me as he closes the door from that side. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for their confab. If Joe’s right about Chaz’s infatuation, he’ll be trying to get details about what I’ve been through and how I’m coping. At the same time Robert will be after any and all info on Other Simon that Chaz will carelessly spout. It would be so much fun to watch and I wish I knew how my brother spied on his assistant. I know he had to have. I would have if I were him and I pretty much am.

Messages first. I’m tempted by the bar but I better not. It helps there’s a brand new bottle of Goldschlager front and center with a bow and gift card. It might be cool to some people to drink gold flecked booze but the idea of shitting out a precious metal unsettles me big time. Besides, the twenty or so messages will be more easily handled without alcohol getting involved. Most won’t mean a thing but what the hell? The six from Marquette are my faves. Two are about the press conference, three sound vaguely threatening toward Chaz, and the last offers help interpreting the stuff Robert had sent to us. Is there something there Marquette wants to hide? Robert made it sound like Simon got Marquette to sign a long-term contract against his will. Is that motive for murder?

The rest aren’t so bad after all. Two of the store managers must have called before learning of the tragic events of last night. They then called back with condolences. That’s nice even if it’s butt kissing to the max. One each are from Joe and Margate. Margate’s is summed up with ‘I love you and everything will be fine’. Joe’s says succinctly ‘what the hell are you thinking to come in to work today’. What’s cool is that Joe’s message was left hours before me and Robert decided to come in. Ah well, at least I can be sure Simon’s life couldn’t have been all that bad with Joe in it. The rest of the messages deal with the viewing tomorrow night and the funeral on Wednesday.

Lucky for me Robert decides to tear himself away from Chaz now. I’d lost a whole minute somewhere staring at messages about my funeral and then another one trying to work out how to buzz Chaz’s desk. I decide I have a chore for him even if Robert’s joined me by the time I find the right button.

“Chaz, will you call Annette Carpenter for me? I’d like to finalize a few details.” That gets a look from Robert.

“Right away, boss,” Chaz calls through the closing door instead of using the intercom. Robert gestures me to stay quiet while he turns of the intercom I mistakenly thought I’d already closed.

“That man is such a gossip even if he is loyal to the bone. Or boner. Chaz rally does have it bad for you.” I don’t bother correcting Robert on that point. “I am now an expert on Fern and Paterson. The one you’re not now related to is apparently one nasty piece of work. Office consensus is he hits his wife Lisa and it runs fifty-fifty about whether he hurts Elvis and the other kids too.”

“Could that be the leverage Simon used to get the man to stay on?”

“It’d make sense. Thing is, whatever Simon had used against him, he wasn’t taking advantage of it much. Chaz says the man is paid above industry average for what he does. Fern is just unhappy that he’s advanced as far as he can in this company without someone dying.”

“The way Simon did last night? That makes eliminating a blackmailer and career advancement a two-in-one motive.” God, I hope he’s guilty. The sooner we finger someone the sooner I can end lying to everyone.

“The motive is easier than opportunity and everyone has that. The Marquette Family was at the same fundraiser Joe, Margate, and Paterson were at. Get this tho’. Chaz was there last night as Margate’s pseudo-escort and reckons everyone was unaccounted for long enough to have slipped away to Jersey and back. It was all separate and overlapping even.” Chaz announces what line Annette is on before we can pursue this.

“Miss Carpenter? This is Simon Douglas.”

“Good lord! You sound just like him!” Hearing her reaction just about kills me.

“Should I put Chaz back on? If talking to me is too much for you-”

“Oh, no! I want to talk to you. After seeing that picture in the paper and seeing as how you two really have to have been twins...well, I guess I don’t have to explain. It’s just weird, you know? Even your concern sounds like my brother’s does. Did, I mean.” Annette chokes a little at the thought it’ll always be past tense for me from now on. It takes all my willpower not to let the truth come spilling out. “I’m sorry you two never met. You would have loved each other, I bet.

“I’m certain you’re right. His friends are helping me get to know him in a way. I was just calling to find out if your family was satisfied with the arrangements so far.” Having to speak so much formally as a Douglas helps some. It’s like this isn’t real. It’s a play!

“Satisfied isn’t a strong enough word. That Chaz of yours is amazing and deserves a raise. He realized the person this should really be about is Mom. Her church and pastor, all her likes and dislikes, that’s what he’s used to go by. Chaz has found a way to make the hardest thing she’ll ever go through slightly less unbearable.” The relief in her voice says as much as her words.

“How are you doing? Dara and Robert mentioned an estrangement?” Robert rolls his eyes. He can’t believe I’m risking having this conversation just to hear Annette’s thoughts about me now.

“Family thing but it was all but over. I blamed him for something my ex-husband did. Robert told me Simon knew I had forgiven him before...”

“Dara said something about that too. She said that between the news about you and his vacation, your brother was happier than she had seen him in a long time.” I know this is what she needs to hear and, considering what we’re putting her through, it’s the least I can do.

“That is a comfort. I can even imagine how it could have been. You know, us being as close again as we used to be if everything hadn’t happened. I know that would’ve been impossible. Forgetting isn’t as easy as forgiving. Our relationship would always have been a pale shadow of what it once was.” Robert sees my tears well up and just gently squeezes me arm. “Oh, you mentioned Dara and Robert. Did Chaz have any luck tracking down Simon’s other friend?”

“Who?”

“Michael Fuchs. I can’t reach him anywhere and he meant more to my Simon than anyone. He has to be there, especially with Dieter being stuck in NYC.”

“That’s Robert’s roommate?” I glare at Robert for not mentioning something was up with Deet.

“Yes. He called me about an hour ago. He was in such a hurry to get home he wound up breaking his leg. It’s so bad the doctors up there won’t even consider letting him travel for a week. In a perfect world, Dara, Dieter, Michael, and Robert would be all there tomorrow.” I hear Annette fighting back tears again. “No. In a perfect world we wouldn’t be burying my, our, brother at all, would we?”

“I know how you feel, Miss Carpenter.”

“It’s Annette to you and I really do think you understand. I can’t tell you what a relief that is. No one can find my other brother Jamie and our sister Angelica can’t fly right now either. It’s felt a little lonely not having a sibling to share this. It’s worse with Mom’s own grief being so huge and Dad having to focus his all on making sure she gets through this. Her doctors were amazed a shock like this didn’t kill her, to be honest. I am so glad you called.” The fact she means it so fervently just makes me feel like more of a dog. Hurting Annette seems to be what I do best.

“I am too, Annette. I’m here any time you need to talk again. Did Chaz give you my numbers?”

“Yes. He truly was great.” She has that ‘I have to go’ sound in her voice now. I suspect there’s a good cry scheduled now.

“One more thing before you go. Have you ever been to Emilio’s?”

“Once or twice.” She’s doing the opposite of exaggeration. We went there on special occasions a lot. It was at one when she was still in Junior High that she decided she wanted to become a chef.

“There’s a message on my desk from the manager there that his assistant lead chef quit. Robert saw it and insisted you’d make an ideal replacement. Would you be interested?” I’m betting Annette is forgetting to breathe right about now.

“Would I? Simon, that would be a dream come true. And let me assure you Robert is right about me. Emilio’s will be lucky to have me.” I have to smile. Annette has never been modest about her culinary skills and has never really needed to be.

“Splendid.” Stupid word but I’m hoping it screams ‘rich person’ to her. “The man leaving gave notice so we can be fluid with your starting date. Call Chaz when you have time to discuss benefits and salary and we can work out when you’ll be ready to start a new job.”

“Thank you, Simon. My Simon would have been proud to call you brother.” A few more nice words follow and with a click it’s over. Chaz must have been waiting for the phone light to go out. That’d explain why his head pokes through the door just as my forehead hits the desk.

“Mister Douglas?” I know Chaz had to have started toward me because Robert moved to intercept him. Got him back to his desk too. That gave me the chance I needed to cry and cry and cry and cry...

They must realize it’s safe to return when the cigarette smoke started drifting out from beneath the door. Took me ages to find where Simon had hid his smokes after I was all cried out. That they were the same cigarettes I smoke too got me sniffling a little more but I managed to hold off another crying jag.

“Thank god Ms. Derwillion is still out. She still thinks you quit. I don’t know why you had an exhaust fan installed if you never remember to use it.” Chaz is nervous as he turns on the fan. Guess he didn’t have ‘boss loses it’ penciled in today.

“Can you start on the paperwork for someone’s raise, Chaz? I’ll fill in who and how much myself.” He blinks, his only reaction to being surprised again by me. Robert and I wait until we’re alone again. “Learn anything new?”

“Not much. Just figured out Chaz has it even worse for you than I thought. I almost had to tie him to his chair and he was beside himself that he couldn’t do anything for you. I only heard your side of the conversation. It was that bad?”

“Oh yeah. I just may have to stay dead, ‘Ert. She’s seen a silver lining in me getting killed.” That didn’t sound good but how could it?

“You don’t mean that.” There’s no conviction in that sentence.

“Robert, she didn’t expect us to ever be close again. This way she can pretend. Plus another shock might kill Mum.”

“Then there’s your dad.”

“Sam.” Ugh.

“Yeah. When we talked, Annette said he turned into husband of the year. She said he hasn’t been like this since y’all were kids. Annette said she heard him admitting he could’ve handled things with you better. Like everyone hasn’t been telling him that for months.” Robert really hates my father. He doesn’t forgive people who hurt his friends.

“Figures. My whole family’s better off without me. When this is all over I should disappear somewhere.” Robert looks like I’ve slapped him.

“What’s that old song? If you leave me, can I come too? We got a taste of what it’d be like without you last night. My god, was it just last night? So much has happened...” There’s a second where I think he’ll cry again. “We’ll figure something out. We always do. How many crises have we all solved together as the Gang of Five.”

“Dieter’s leather boyfriend? Dara juggling two men? Michael too I recall. How did that prepare us for identity theft?” All those PSAs on that topic have done their job.

“We’ll handle things.” There’s a finality to his voice. Problem solved or as good as. That’s enough for now. “Maybe you can just stay-” We learn something about Chaz now. It’s clear on his face he hates conversation stopping dead when he walks in a room. He doesn’t say a word as he crosses the room with the paperwork I wanted but that sexy body of his is tenser than before. He’s totally silent as he drops the papers in front of me and just as quiet as I fill them out. He maintains the silent treatment only halfway back to the door.

“You can’t be serious.” He’s just read what I wrote.

“I can make it bigger if you like.”

“Oh, twenty-five percent is generous enough but why?” Chaz is stunned. I guess his Simon didn’t do things like this. “Why? The review isn’t for three months.”

“Where I’d give you a miserly nothing and a pat on the back. You didn’t hear Annette Carpenter’s voice. What you did was priceless.” I try to keep the emotion out of my voice but I know I fail. Robert looks a little panicked and Chaz is confused.

“But you told me to do it.” Chaz is a little freaked.

“You exceeded mission parameters, Chaz-O. Accept the thanks of a grateful nation.” Oops! A little Carpenter speak drifted in there. It wasn’t choice either from the way Robert rolls those chocolate eyes of his. “Take it or your fired.” Chaz is on familiar grounds with that comment. He just throws his arms up in surrender.

“Oh, I’ll take it. I just wanted to make certain I wasn’t taking advantage of your grief.” Chaz realizes he may have gone too far. Robert turns his laugh at the priceless look on Chaz’s face into a believable sneeze. “I’m sorry, Mister Douglas. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Chaz, you have to lighten up. Treat me normally. I need that.” Chaz lightens up some but not enough. “And doesn’t it seem unfair that I get to forgo using a surname when I speak to you? Call me Simon from now on.” Sound like I like Chaz? Okay, I do but that’s not my motivation. Imagine you’re pretending to be a dead brother you never got to know and some hottie keeps calling you by his last name. You put an end to it as soon as you can, even if a little someone you’ve been friends with for ages obviously dislikes it.

“Okay, Simon it is.” There’s a spring in Chaz’s steps as he heads out to claim his raise.

“What are you doing tonight, Chaz?” Robert’s head snaps up even as a happier Chaz twirls around again.

“Um, nothing. Why?” Chaz is as cheerful as Robert is pissed.

“We’re heading out in a few minutes to meet the detective, the one you made this wonderful list for.” I wave the enemies list in the air. I just loved seeing that it was so long. “He’s going to want to speak to you too so why not come with us? Dara is joining us for dinner after and you can too.”

“I don’t know...” It’s easy to see Chaz is overwhelmed.

“Do you have anything better planned?”

“If he doesn’t want to go maybe you should stop badgering him.” Danger, Will Robinson! This might be the first thing Robert has added to anything me and Chaz have said to each other since we got here. Too bad he didn’t manage it pleasantly.

“Oh, don’t worry, Robert. I would love to join you. We can even leave immediately. If Becca hasn’t quit yet she can take any calls we get.” This time the cool reaction as Chaz leaves is only directed at Robert. As soon as the door closes Robert starts right in on me.

“What the fuck are you thinking! Do you want him to figure it out.”

“Shut up, Robert. He deserved the raise and you know it. Even you were impressed with him. He’ll just think I was vulnerable because of what was going on.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it! Why the hell did you invite him along? Seeing the three of us together and closer than we should be is gonna tell him something’s up. We’re not that good at acting, even if we knew what we were pretending to be yet!” Can you tell Robert’s a trifle upset? There are a few signs.

“Joe will be there too. We’re running the same risk with him”

“I can distract Joe.” No doubt.

“I think I can distract Chaz too.” Robert nears livid.

“Not in front of Joe! We don’t even know if he’s been with a man and you can bet he sure as hell didn’t flirt in front of Joe!” It’s clear I don’t get it. “You are such an asshole. Joe and Simon were in love. Had been since high school.”

“I thought you said Simon was trying to be straight.”

“He was. The two of them never got past kissing and petting. Mrs. O told me. She walked in on them back in high school right before what would have been their first time ever.”

“Now we’re getting back to why Mrs. O feels guilty.”

“Yup. Simon freaked. He decided then and there never to act on his gay impulses. Mrs. O told me this ‘cause she hopes I could get Joe and you...shit, this is so hard to say when you’re both named Simon. Whose idea was that?”

“I wonder if it was a condition of the adoption?” Robert shrugs. It’s
another mystery we may never solve.

“Anyways, I’m supposed to get who she thinks is still her Simon to give into temptation with Joe. Like I would. Mrs. O doesn’t know about our no sharing policy.” Robert helps himself to some wine. He too avoids the Goldschlager. “Not that Mrs. O has ever thought Joe and Simon would make a very good couple. She just wants them to give it a try, get it out of their systems, and then Simon would be able to be happy with someone else.”

“That’s depressing, you know? Always wanting and never giving in. I don’t blame Mrs. O for feeling responsible, even if it really ain’t her fault.” Maybe I’ll let her catch me kissing a man before all this is over. Ease her mind some. “It does make me understand the differences between us. Fighting who he was had to create a lot of bitterness. I told you I went through Junior High and some of High School freaking out because it was so hard to accept what I was feeling. Not all of us can come to the blinding realization that we’re gay and accept it right off.”

“On the phone with you no less.” True story: Robert and I were friends before anything else and he was always cool with the gay thing even if seemingly uninterested. On the phone I asked him if there wasn’t any guy he found attractive. Robert thought about it, discovered there was a guy at work he was attracted to and switched teams then and there. He never has looked back.

“I can still handle Chaz even with this new dynamic with Mister Kuhl.” Robert reveals the reasonableness of this digression was a fake job.

“Like hell. You’re just risking all our asses ‘cause you want un Chaz’s pants. Michael had little Billy and you’ve gotta have your own too. You two were like this last time. You both take things way too far.” My blood runs cold with Robert’s casual mention of Michael and the truth of where we stood the past week. Especially with Michael god knows where in his mother’s unloving care.

“Go to hell, ‘Ert. Your handling things so much better? Ha. All you did was get lucky with what guy you screwed five seconds after meeting him. Guess after hundreds of times you were bound to hit paydirt.” Robert gets that expressionless anger thing across his face. I know he feels sensitive about how casual he is about sex and I still threw that in. “Maybe you should fuck Chaz and Pat too to make sure you’ve got every angle covered.

“At least what I’ve done helps. I’m doing this for all of us.” I can’t help it. I laugh.

“Really? What crime had I committed except come home when you guys called? What did Dara do beside keep Simon Douglas talking? Oh, that’s right. The problem is Simon was killed with a knife that looks just like one you lost.” Robert has a fantastic glare when he needs it. “Tell me, Robert. You sure some trick didn’t take it and then stick it in Simon’s chest. Think about it. Fuck anyone more unstable than usual lately?” That was too far even for how out of control our micro-bursts of temper get. Robert swings but luckily anger acts like adrenaline. By grabbing his forearm I can swing him into the wall. That takes a lot of steam out of him.

“I don’t have to stick around and watch you fuck us all over for some Keanu looking piece of tail. I’m going home. When you get your one phone call I’ll be waiting to say I told you so.” Robert almost knocks over Chaz as he’s returning. I’m so pissed off I don’t move to stop him.

“Who left the gerbil up his butt?” Chaz had to have heard the raised voices and the thud of Robert’s back hitting the wall. As a way of lightening a mood though, Chaz could have chosen better.

“Chaz...”

“I’m sorry but what an asshole. First he pumps me for information about Joe and you and then the claws come out when you start being friendly to me. I should call Joe back and cancel my go for it.” Joy. Friction between Chaz and Robert is the last thing I need. Trouble is the cell interrupts me.

“I suppose you’re calling to say you won’t be back to the office,” I answer, as I already know from the display it’s Margate.

“Frank invited me to dinner. I told him I’d have to check with you before saying yes.” Ever hear of post-cognition? It’s the opposite of pre-cognition, which is the ability to see the future. Post-cognition is where you see the past, specifically events you weren’t there for. Right now I’m having a vision of Chaz alerting Margate to my crying jag.

“I am fine now. It just got to me.”

“I would be more worried if it hadn’t, dear. Are you still at the office?” She screwed up there and I know that Chaz did as I suspected. “Pat informed me he and Mrs. O have Fern convinced you’re still at home but he could still stop by your office.” That means Chaz also mentioned my reaction to the press conference.

“He better get here soon then. Chaz and I are heading over to Max’s Old Place to meet Dara and this Detective Levy. You stay and have dinner with Frank. Between Chaz and Dara I’ll have the very best babysitters you could hope for.” Do I sound a little annoyed? I hope so.

“No Robert?” Aunt Margate misses nothing. That means even more care must be taken then we thought.

“He had to stop at his apartment. Could you tell Joe? With all Robert’s going through he could use his new special friend.” I give her Robert’s address and land line number. “Why don’t we meet for brunch? I have some things to discuss with you and outside the office would be a better setting.” Maybe I should un-stiffen my Douglas speak. I might be laying it on a little thick.

“Emilio’s at ten on Thursday?”

“Perfect.” That gives me another day to practice being her nephew. “I have to tell them I solved their staff problem anyways.”

“Anyway, sweetie.”

“Yes, Auntie M.”

“Auntie M?” Even Chaz looks surprised.

“Robert called you that earlier and it seemed a good fit.” Her laughter comes clear as a bell.

“Auntie M. I think I like it. Frank is back so I have to go. Do try to let your hair down after you speak with the detective.” From the way she said that I know Margate knows all about Simon’s repression and the root. I start immediately out the door with Chaz in tow, some sort of designer duffel bag having been grabbed from the closet.

“I have to sneeze, Chaz. Do you want to call Margate before or after?” Chaz would have to be an idiot to miss the fact I’m angry. Who wouldn’t be? Sure, it’s mostly because I’m afraid Chaz will tell Margate something that exposes me but that’s as valid a reason as any.

“We’re worried about you.” Notice no apology? Gotta respect that Chaz thinks he was doing what’s best for me.

“Then talk to me!” I say as the elevator doors close on us. “What you’re fretting over could simply be me deciding life is too short now and making changes accordingly.” Not careful, my ass! Notice I gave Chaz an excuse in advance for any future slip ups? Smooth. “Promise me you’re out of the spy network or I set up a meeting with your mother about her cookies.” Chaz’s grimace is real and very funny.

“I swear.”

“Good. Now where were we when Mata Hari called.”

“You were about to tell me why Robert isn’t a dickhead.”

“Oh, I’m sure he is one. Right now is not the correct time to evaluate that one way or another. Would you be Mister Wonderful if you had seen your best friend’s dead body in a parking lot last night? I mean, god, Chaz. Think of the ‘what if’s. What if I’d walked out to meet him. What if we hadn’t called down the shore.” Chaz gets the point quick. I wonder if he’s imagining how he’d have felt finding me/his Simon dead.

“I’d be an asshole and a dickhead and probably be possessive of someone who looked identical to him.” We stop as we reach the car. “Would you like me to drive?”

“Do you know how to get there from here?” I toss him the keys.

“You just let me know if I make a wrong turn.”

“I don’t think so. There is The Curse to deal with.” Chaz chuckles and it’s as velvety as it should be coming from that body.

“I didn’t know you were superstitious.” I like that Chaz is relaxing. No matter what Robert thought I know what I’m doing. If he and I kept the relationship my brother and he had Chaz would spot differences in no time. New relationship means another excuse for out of character behavior.

“Don’t underestimate The Curse. I can get anyone lost from the passenger seat. I decided it was a curse after the time I got someone lost in the neighborhood she grew up in. Or was it on the two block trip that wound up taking an hour?” Chaz doesn’t protest too much. I’m relieved that Other Simon was directionally challenged as well.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he says as we get in the car.

“That might be the case if there weren’t two parts to The Curse. My giving bad directions is simply the first half. Part two is the driver always trusts what I say no matter how many times he’s been burned.” Chaz doesn’t start the car right up. “You ever been to Max’s while Max still ran it?”

“Me? No, I didn’t dare. I was so closeted back then. I did have a few boyfriends in high school and in college but I was scared someone would find out.”

“But Max’s should have been safe. It was a mixed place then too.”

“What does that mean if you live in fear of being outed? What if I brought some girl there and bumped into Miguel or somebody? Even if he didn’t say anything I would have been dead of a coronary.” Chaz starts to turn the key when disaster strikes. It jumps in the back seat at least. “Elvis!” There’s a special kind fo fear in Chaz’s face I’ll identify before too long. There’s not too many things about the kid that could inspire fright.

“Don’t be mad, guys. I couldn’t go off like that. You said you were cool, Simon, but you didn’t act like you were okay.” Geeze, just what I need: the high school himbo. Already I know Elvis is unpredictable and wild.

“You had rehearsal, Elvis.” He simply shrugs at me.

“You know I have a photographic memory.” I stifle a laugh when I hear Chaz mutter ‘pornographic memory’. “Rehearsal is for everyone else. Until dress rehearsal I use practice times to slip out of the net.” It’s safe to assume Elvis is referring to however the Marquettes track what is clearly their problem child.

“Elvis, Chaz won’t pull out of here until you get out. We are on very serious business.” Elvis smiles.

“I heard someone say you’re meeting the cops at Max’s Old Place. I get out and five minutes from now I’m in a cab. You want me sneaking in and disrupting things or with you and under your watchful eyes?” Elvis obviously is a good actor. He seems almost innocent as he says this. It’s clear from Chaz’s reaction that Elvis will do exactly like he says.

“Okay. You win.” Chaz pulls out, disappointed our alone time is over. “There are two conditions. I want your fake IDs and you will stay at the bar. There will be none of your cute act for the police.” I can do implacable sometimes and Elvis responds. He hands me a very good ID adding five years to his age. “The other ones too.” Elvis tries outstaring me but caves. He gives up two equally fine IDs.

“How’d you know about the others?” The kid is a great pouter. I’ll have to tell Dara she has competition.

“The smart kid has an extra in case his first one is confiscated. You, Elvis, are a very smart kid so I assumed you had two more.” Elvis beams with pride at the compliment. “Too bad I’m a smart adult.” Chaz finally gives in to laughter.

“I don’t see why you bother stalking Mister Douglas, Elvis. He’s more on to you than anyone else.” Chaz’s eyes are on the road so he misses the smirk. My god. Elvis slept with Simon! There is no way this little monster can stick around. Unless I find a journal explaining why my brother was a chicken hawk, Elvis can blow me out of the water.

“So you guys doing it yet? That why I’m the third wheel?” We’re lucky traffic is light. Chaz totally loses control of the car. “What? Can’t a guy ask a question?” I decide to just go with the flow and deal with the kid like I would have two days ago.

“Doesn’t guarantee an answer, kid. Let me ask one.” Elvis’ eyes glitter. I was right that this kid is smart. He probably dances circles around most everyone he knows. Someone as on to him as me and probably Simon would be a challenge he couldn’t resist. Maybe that was Simon’s appeal. “Why are you such a slut? I know being a gay teen is trendy now but a whore is a whore.” Elvis looks like he’s been slapped. Good. Cocky Elvis is too much for me to juggle on top of the less unpredictable characters I’m dealing with.

“Mister...Simon, that was a little harsh...” I can’t believe Chaz is buying this act. Sure, I don’t doubt the boy wonder is feeling a little hurt but he’s playing it up. He does rebound good though.

“I can give you a couple of good tips, Simon, if you’re serious about preppy boy here. The spot where your legs almost meet at the top? A little tongue there and Chaz goes nuts.” Should I be worried I understand Elvis? Maybe. Okay, let’s say I’m right about Simon Douglas being with Elvis. Elvis has gotta be picking up a major don’t touch vibe and who is nearest to blame? That’s right. Chaz. What’s a tried and true way of torpedoing the competition? Reveal you’ve already been with them. I almost laugh but Chaz’s latest freak out means I have to grab the wheel to keep us in one lane. Chaz is nearly hyperventilating as he regains control of both himself and the wheel.

“Mister Douglas...Simon...I...” Chaz’s power of speech remains out of his command however.

“Come on, Chaz. I’m not stupid. I see how tense he makes you. So how did he do it? My guess is you were drunk.” Chaz sighs with his whole body even as Elvis sinks further into a sulk.

“Yeah, he was shit faced. It was after the Christmas party where he caught Pat with that waiter.” So Chaz and Pat are exes? Interesting but hardly helpful unless they’ve reconciled to commit murder. “I made sure Chaz drank as much as he wanted to and I guess maybe he didn’t know the first time it was me.” Elvis gets a little too into the bragging. “‘Course, he knew who he was doing when we woke up the next day...”

“Is this important?” Chaz sounds like he’s going to freak again any second. “We’re supposed to be helping the police determine who killed the other Simon. How does an out of control teen help?”

“Relax, Chaz. Me getting the story now deprives Elvis of a chance for drama later. He’s lost his hold on you unless he wants Daddy to know and press charges against you.” Now I see a very real emotion in Elvis’ eyes. What I’ve just said has inspired true terror in him. Fern scares the shit out of his oldest son. Thank god we’re pulling into Max’s parking lot. I toss the IDs back to the boy. “You can keep these, Elvis, but this is as far as you’re going.”

“Come on, Simon. You promised!” The whine is good too. It clearly amuses Chaz as he retrieves his duffel bag.

“Too bad, kid. I’ve decided Chaz is right. The focus has to be on the investigation and not what outrageous thing you do next. Your big mistake was the game you played with Chaz.” Despite what I said, Elvis starts to follow us to the door. “Elvis, you set foot in there and I’ll tell the detective and your father about those IDs. Look me right in the eyes and tell me I won’t.” Elvis tries to outstare me again and fails. I wonder why he’s even trying. The thing, is I really would have done the first part, telling super cop. No way would I narc him out to his father after seeing how terrified he is of the man.

“Fuck you both. I hope he arrests both your asses.” Elvis flips us off for good measure and heads off talking into his phone. Maybe he’s calling a cab but I bet whoever picks him up won’t have a yellow car. Poor kid. Still, with him gone we can get back to business.