Chapter Seven: Problem Children

Tuesday, August 10th
3:00 PM
Half an hour later we were pulling into the other Simon’s parking spot in
the Derwillion Foods parking garage. We have proved that not even a GPS system and detailed directions can get us anywhere easily. Well, me anyways. I’m sure the neighborhood is great. The address was sure swanky but I was way too nervous to look around much. The parking garage is sure neat. I’ve lived in apartments that weren’t this nice. There’s also a lot of staff. That’s weird. I’m used to the places you either bring your radio with you when you leave or never see it again.

“What do you think of Joe?” Robert surprises me with this question. Is it distraction from the huge risk we’re taking?

“I spent five minutes sober with him. Based on that, I’d say he’s the greatest thing since DVDs.” Robert doesn’t seem happy with the answer. “What gives? You met the guy last night.”

“Yeah, but he’s just so cool. Did I tell you that was his name? Joe Kuhl. The thing is he swears his parents have no sense of humor. The name just happened.” I try the stay silent trick. “I dunno, ‘Mon. There was this electric connection the moment he walked in that room. I know you give me shit about how quick I’ll hop in the sack but with Joe it felt like it was meant to be.”

“Love at first fuck?”

“Come on. Even I’m not that pathetic. It’s infatuation and the feeling that this is the first step to something big. We even connect with clothes on.” This is big. Robert once dated someone for six months without ever really having a conversation with them. “You know, Joe was kicked out by his own Main Line family at sixteen. Screwing one single gardener and he had an hour to pack and leave. Well okay, there was a lot more than the one gardener but that’s all they knew about it.”

“That sucks. Margate and Simon took him in?”

“And Paterson. Joe’s very big on Paterson. No telling where he would have ended up without them all. Probably selling his ass like Pat.” Pat, a hustler? Considering his sunny self it’s hard to believe the guy had such a hard life. “Yeah, Pat’s positive too but I’m not supposed to know that. Figured you should.”

“Guess it’s cool my twin was progressive.” It is a nice change to have some positive news about the other me but I’m still a little numb there.

“Progressive? Derwillion Foods is the biggest supporter of AIDS charities in this part of the country. If the man was a jerk at least he had a good heart.” I should have known Robert would have picked up on how I was feeling. Out of our group of friends, Robert and me have always been the most in tune. “Makes me want to get to know Joe better even more. His being part of the family means he’s had a hand in whatever good they’ve been up to.”

“Just be careful, okay?” Robert takes that wrong.

“Simon, I know what’s at stake even better than you do. Whatever I do with Joe won’t get us in trouble with the cops.”

“That’s not what I meant. The last time you felt like this it was with Andre.” Robert looks away at the sound of The Name. I again try being quiet to draw him out but instead he just gets out of the car. I have to hustle to catch up.

I wish I could be as calm and cool as my friend here. Robert has perfected looking like nothing short of a nuclear blast could ruin his composure. I know for a fact he’s as wigged out as I am but he’s walking towards the elevator like he’s been here a hundred times before. I guess he’s right about having these folks acclimated to changes in Simon Douglas. If I’m gonna be this skittish for a while they better start getting used to it.

“Simon!” Only Robert’s hand on the small of my back keeps me from jumping back in the elevator and hurtling back to the car. I only relax when I realize it’s a teenaged boy running toward me. What harm can he do? “Ohmigod, I was so worried!” Apparently he can do a lot! Sixteen at most, blond with blue eyes, and overall good-looking, the kid launches into what is a cross between a flying tackle and a hug. I might just suffocate! As my vision starts to dim from oxygen loss I can see Robert is as much at a loss here as I am.

“Elvis Marquette! What do you think you’re doing!” Ah, so we have a name for the teen hottie. Now we also have some intel about Fern Marquette: He has made an excellent contribution to the gene pool. The rescuing voice is none other than the uncle from last night, Paterson. “Elvis, you know Margate agreed to you spending your spare time here if you didn’t get in the way. What do you call leaping into the arms of the company’s CEO?” Now this is a side to Uncle Paterson he didn’t show last night. His words are little harsh but his tone isn’t. Paterson clearly likes Elvis.

“But, Paterson! Simon could have been killed last night! When they got the call at that party last night they even thought it was him at first!” Elvis is clearly upset. Hero worship? Elvis is way too young for me. I pray to god he was too young for the other me too! Paterson’s face softens as he too sees the tears in Elvis’ face. Instinct propels me in a way that gets a gasp from Robert.

“Elvis...” This time I hug Elvis and the scared boy melts into me. If I had any doubts that the kid was gay, they vanish by the way he sinks into my arms. “I’m fine, Elvis. It wasn’t me. What happened was awful and someone did die but I am here and will be here for a long, long time.” Sniffling a little, Elvis pulls back. For a moment I think I see pride and shock on Paterson’s face. Maybe he isn’t the jerk I dismissed him as last night. The guy is totally being fatherly to little Elvis here.

“Elvis, we better get going. I just talked to Emerson and your father is on his way back to the office. You have a rehearsal soon anyway...” Elvis smiles broadly and even Robert finds himself responding. Paterson offers Elvis a ride back to the school and tells him to wait downstairs. “That was good of you, Simon. They boy was frantic about you and it was all we could do to keep him from going to the house.” No one has to tell me there was tension between my late brother and this man. There is also no doubt my actions just now have done something to lessen that. I don’t know what to say to him. Luckily enough that’s the reaction Unc expected so he just nods and heads off after the office mascot.

Robert says nothing as we continue to the reception area that Margate and Simon shared. What would I do without him? The cram session on restaurant business he gave me on the way was great. Of course, we almost didn’t get to have one because of Pat. The guy insisted he should fill in for Joe and drive us himself. Pat may come off as a bit unaware but even he would have noticed something odd if Robert was tutoring me in the back seat. I guess we lucked out with Mrs. O. She saw we wanted to go Pat-less so she got his enthusiasm diverted without him ever noticing.

When we finally do take the last few steps we are in for a surprise. Chaz really does look as good as he sounds. All we knew was he sounded good and Joe told Robert he was Irish-Japanese. That didn’t prepare us for how well those two types of genes mixed in this case. Think Keanu but gayer and even more beautiful. Chaz could have been a model and as hot as Joe and Pat are, Chaz is even better and he’s the one Simon kept closest to him. Since he was basically me with tons of money I’m surprised Simon could work with this man sitting outside his office door. Even dressed for business Chaz exudes sex and sensuality.

“Good morning, Mister Douglas. Ms. Derwillion’s still out but Joe thinks they’ll be back in an hour or so. Your aunt will probably check in with Misters Derwillion and Marquette first.” The effect of that sex soaked voice is even better in person.

“She probably wants to see what mischief they’ve been up to.” A slight smile from Chaz tells me I’m right.

“You’d know that better than I would.”

“If that were true you’d have been fired by now.”

“Only Monday and dismissal has come up in conversation twice. I can tell we’re in for a fun week. Ah well, messages are on your desk and Mister Derwillion said he and your little stalker didn’t tell a soul you were here.” Another piece of the Elvis puzzle. “I should warn you that my mother is worried about you. I told her you weren’t expected today but she still plans on bringing some cookies in for you.”

“You say this as though it’s a bad thing. My people revere cookies.”

“If only comforting you were her sole motivation. She’s hoping you’ll like them so much you’ll buy the recipe from her.” I sense a little chink in Mister Calm And Collected’s armor and it’s his mother. Maybe a little fun is in order?

“More likely I could license it and she would have the seed money necessary to start her own bakery.”

“My god, don’t encourage her!” Direct hit to starboard! “I think sometimes her role model is Lucy Ricardo with all the zany schemes she comes up with. The best thing is to ignore one until she moves onto the next.” I get the feeling Mrs. Griffith is a Cool Mom. You know, the type. Everyone on Earth loves the lady and has so much fun with her. The only ones she drives crazy is her own children. I can picture a younger Chaz cringing as his mom did everything but party with his friends.

“Chill, Chaz. I’ll follow your lead with her but you should really find out if a scheme is zany before you write it off. Isn’t that what she would do for you?”

I continue into ‘my’ office and reach the desk before I realize Robert isn’t following. I don’t know whether he or Chaz stopped the other but they look to be connecting at the desk. Robert winks at me as he closes the door from that side. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for their confab. If Joe’s right about Chaz’s infatuation, he’ll be trying to get details about what I’ve been through and how I’m coping. At the same time Robert will be after any and all info on Other Simon that Chaz will carelessly spout. It would be so much fun to watch and I wish I knew how my brother spied on his assistant. I know he had to have. I would have if I were him and I pretty much am.

Messages first. I’m tempted by the bar but I better not. It helps there’s a brand new bottle of Goldschlager front and center with a bow and gift card. It might be cool to some people to drink gold flecked booze but the idea of shitting out a precious metal unsettles me big time. Besides, the twenty or so messages will be more easily handled without alcohol getting involved. Most won’t mean a thing but what the hell? The six from Marquette are my faves. Two are about the press conference, three sound vaguely threatening toward Chaz, and the last offers help interpreting the stuff Robert had sent to us. Is there something there Marquette wants to hide? Robert made it sound like Simon got Marquette to sign a long-term contract against his will. Is that motive for murder?

The rest aren’t so bad after all. Two of the store managers must have called before learning of the tragic events of last night. They then called back with condolences. That’s nice even if it’s butt kissing to the max. One each are from Joe and Margate. Margate’s is summed up with ‘I love you and everything will be fine’. Joe’s says succinctly ‘what the hell are you thinking to come in to work today’. What’s cool is that Joe’s message was left hours before me and Robert decided to come in. Ah well, at least I can be sure Simon’s life couldn’t have been all that bad with Joe in it. The rest of the messages deal with the viewing tomorrow night and the funeral on Wednesday.

Lucky for me Robert decides to tear himself away from Chaz now. I’d lost a whole minute somewhere staring at messages about my funeral and then another one trying to work out how to buzz Chaz’s desk. I decide I have a chore for him even if Robert’s joined me by the time I find the right button.

“Chaz, will you call Annette Carpenter for me? I’d like to finalize a few details.” That gets a look from Robert.

“Right away, boss,” Chaz calls through the closing door instead of using the intercom. Robert gestures me to stay quiet while he turns of the intercom I mistakenly thought I’d already closed.

“That man is such a gossip even if he is loyal to the bone. Or boner. Chaz rally does have it bad for you.” I don’t bother correcting Robert on that point. “I am now an expert on Fern and Paterson. The one you’re not now related to is apparently one nasty piece of work. Office consensus is he hits his wife Lisa and it runs fifty-fifty about whether he hurts Elvis and the other kids too.”

“Could that be the leverage Simon used to get the man to stay on?”

“It’d make sense. Thing is, whatever Simon had used against him, he wasn’t taking advantage of it much. Chaz says the man is paid above industry average for what he does. Fern is just unhappy that he’s advanced as far as he can in this company without someone dying.”

“The way Simon did last night? That makes eliminating a blackmailer and career advancement a two-in-one motive.” God, I hope he’s guilty. The sooner we finger someone the sooner I can end lying to everyone.

“The motive is easier than opportunity and everyone has that. The Marquette Family was at the same fundraiser Joe, Margate, and Paterson were at. Get this tho’. Chaz was there last night as Margate’s pseudo-escort and reckons everyone was unaccounted for long enough to have slipped away to Jersey and back. It was all separate and overlapping even.” Chaz announces what line Annette is on before we can pursue this.

“Miss Carpenter? This is Simon Douglas.”

“Good lord! You sound just like him!” Hearing her reaction just about kills me.

“Should I put Chaz back on? If talking to me is too much for you-”

“Oh, no! I want to talk to you. After seeing that picture in the paper and seeing as how you two really have to have been twins...well, I guess I don’t have to explain. It’s just weird, you know? Even your concern sounds like my brother’s does. Did, I mean.” Annette chokes a little at the thought it’ll always be past tense for me from now on. It takes all my willpower not to let the truth come spilling out. “I’m sorry you two never met. You would have loved each other, I bet.

“I’m certain you’re right. His friends are helping me get to know him in a way. I was just calling to find out if your family was satisfied with the arrangements so far.” Having to speak so much formally as a Douglas helps some. It’s like this isn’t real. It’s a play!

“Satisfied isn’t a strong enough word. That Chaz of yours is amazing and deserves a raise. He realized the person this should really be about is Mom. Her church and pastor, all her likes and dislikes, that’s what he’s used to go by. Chaz has found a way to make the hardest thing she’ll ever go through slightly less unbearable.” The relief in her voice says as much as her words.

“How are you doing? Dara and Robert mentioned an estrangement?” Robert rolls his eyes. He can’t believe I’m risking having this conversation just to hear Annette’s thoughts about me now.

“Family thing but it was all but over. I blamed him for something my ex-husband did. Robert told me Simon knew I had forgiven him before...”

“Dara said something about that too. She said that between the news about you and his vacation, your brother was happier than she had seen him in a long time.” I know this is what she needs to hear and, considering what we’re putting her through, it’s the least I can do.

“That is a comfort. I can even imagine how it could have been. You know, us being as close again as we used to be if everything hadn’t happened. I know that would’ve been impossible. Forgetting isn’t as easy as forgiving. Our relationship would always have been a pale shadow of what it once was.” Robert sees my tears well up and just gently squeezes me arm. “Oh, you mentioned Dara and Robert. Did Chaz have any luck tracking down Simon’s other friend?”

“Who?”

“Michael Fuchs. I can’t reach him anywhere and he meant more to my Simon than anyone. He has to be there, especially with Dieter being stuck in NYC.”

“That’s Robert’s roommate?” I glare at Robert for not mentioning something was up with Deet.

“Yes. He called me about an hour ago. He was in such a hurry to get home he wound up breaking his leg. It’s so bad the doctors up there won’t even consider letting him travel for a week. In a perfect world, Dara, Dieter, Michael, and Robert would be all there tomorrow.” I hear Annette fighting back tears again. “No. In a perfect world we wouldn’t be burying my, our, brother at all, would we?”

“I know how you feel, Miss Carpenter.”

“It’s Annette to you and I really do think you understand. I can’t tell you what a relief that is. No one can find my other brother Jamie and our sister Angelica can’t fly right now either. It’s felt a little lonely not having a sibling to share this. It’s worse with Mom’s own grief being so huge and Dad having to focus his all on making sure she gets through this. Her doctors were amazed a shock like this didn’t kill her, to be honest. I am so glad you called.” The fact she means it so fervently just makes me feel like more of a dog. Hurting Annette seems to be what I do best.

“I am too, Annette. I’m here any time you need to talk again. Did Chaz give you my numbers?”

“Yes. He truly was great.” She has that ‘I have to go’ sound in her voice now. I suspect there’s a good cry scheduled now.

“One more thing before you go. Have you ever been to Emilio’s?”

“Once or twice.” She’s doing the opposite of exaggeration. We went there on special occasions a lot. It was at one when she was still in Junior High that she decided she wanted to become a chef.

“There’s a message on my desk from the manager there that his assistant lead chef quit. Robert saw it and insisted you’d make an ideal replacement. Would you be interested?” I’m betting Annette is forgetting to breathe right about now.

“Would I? Simon, that would be a dream come true. And let me assure you Robert is right about me. Emilio’s will be lucky to have me.” I have to smile. Annette has never been modest about her culinary skills and has never really needed to be.

“Splendid.” Stupid word but I’m hoping it screams ‘rich person’ to her. “The man leaving gave notice so we can be fluid with your starting date. Call Chaz when you have time to discuss benefits and salary and we can work out when you’ll be ready to start a new job.”

“Thank you, Simon. My Simon would have been proud to call you brother.” A few more nice words follow and with a click it’s over. Chaz must have been waiting for the phone light to go out. That’d explain why his head pokes through the door just as my forehead hits the desk.

“Mister Douglas?” I know Chaz had to have started toward me because Robert moved to intercept him. Got him back to his desk too. That gave me the chance I needed to cry and cry and cry and cry...

They must realize it’s safe to return when the cigarette smoke started drifting out from beneath the door. Took me ages to find where Simon had hid his smokes after I was all cried out. That they were the same cigarettes I smoke too got me sniffling a little more but I managed to hold off another crying jag.

“Thank god Ms. Derwillion is still out. She still thinks you quit. I don’t know why you had an exhaust fan installed if you never remember to use it.” Chaz is nervous as he turns on the fan. Guess he didn’t have ‘boss loses it’ penciled in today.

“Can you start on the paperwork for someone’s raise, Chaz? I’ll fill in who and how much myself.” He blinks, his only reaction to being surprised again by me. Robert and I wait until we’re alone again. “Learn anything new?”

“Not much. Just figured out Chaz has it even worse for you than I thought. I almost had to tie him to his chair and he was beside himself that he couldn’t do anything for you. I only heard your side of the conversation. It was that bad?”

“Oh yeah. I just may have to stay dead, ‘Ert. She’s seen a silver lining in me getting killed.” That didn’t sound good but how could it?

“You don’t mean that.” There’s no conviction in that sentence.

“Robert, she didn’t expect us to ever be close again. This way she can pretend. Plus another shock might kill Mum.”

“Then there’s your dad.”

“Sam.” Ugh.

“Yeah. When we talked, Annette said he turned into husband of the year. She said he hasn’t been like this since y’all were kids. Annette said she heard him admitting he could’ve handled things with you better. Like everyone hasn’t been telling him that for months.” Robert really hates my father. He doesn’t forgive people who hurt his friends.

“Figures. My whole family’s better off without me. When this is all over I should disappear somewhere.” Robert looks like I’ve slapped him.

“What’s that old song? If you leave me, can I come too? We got a taste of what it’d be like without you last night. My god, was it just last night? So much has happened...” There’s a second where I think he’ll cry again. “We’ll figure something out. We always do. How many crises have we all solved together as the Gang of Five.”

“Dieter’s leather boyfriend? Dara juggling two men? Michael too I recall. How did that prepare us for identity theft?” All those PSAs on that topic have done their job.

“We’ll handle things.” There’s a finality to his voice. Problem solved or as good as. That’s enough for now. “Maybe you can just stay-” We learn something about Chaz now. It’s clear on his face he hates conversation stopping dead when he walks in a room. He doesn’t say a word as he crosses the room with the paperwork I wanted but that sexy body of his is tenser than before. He’s totally silent as he drops the papers in front of me and just as quiet as I fill them out. He maintains the silent treatment only halfway back to the door.

“You can’t be serious.” He’s just read what I wrote.

“I can make it bigger if you like.”

“Oh, twenty-five percent is generous enough but why?” Chaz is stunned. I guess his Simon didn’t do things like this. “Why? The review isn’t for three months.”

“Where I’d give you a miserly nothing and a pat on the back. You didn’t hear Annette Carpenter’s voice. What you did was priceless.” I try to keep the emotion out of my voice but I know I fail. Robert looks a little panicked and Chaz is confused.

“But you told me to do it.” Chaz is a little freaked.

“You exceeded mission parameters, Chaz-O. Accept the thanks of a grateful nation.” Oops! A little Carpenter speak drifted in there. It wasn’t choice either from the way Robert rolls those chocolate eyes of his. “Take it or your fired.” Chaz is on familiar grounds with that comment. He just throws his arms up in surrender.

“Oh, I’ll take it. I just wanted to make certain I wasn’t taking advantage of your grief.” Chaz realizes he may have gone too far. Robert turns his laugh at the priceless look on Chaz’s face into a believable sneeze. “I’m sorry, Mister Douglas. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Chaz, you have to lighten up. Treat me normally. I need that.” Chaz lightens up some but not enough. “And doesn’t it seem unfair that I get to forgo using a surname when I speak to you? Call me Simon from now on.” Sound like I like Chaz? Okay, I do but that’s not my motivation. Imagine you’re pretending to be a dead brother you never got to know and some hottie keeps calling you by his last name. You put an end to it as soon as you can, even if a little someone you’ve been friends with for ages obviously dislikes it.

“Okay, Simon it is.” There’s a spring in Chaz’s steps as he heads out to claim his raise.

“What are you doing tonight, Chaz?” Robert’s head snaps up even as a happier Chaz twirls around again.

“Um, nothing. Why?” Chaz is as cheerful as Robert is pissed.

“We’re heading out in a few minutes to meet the detective, the one you made this wonderful list for.” I wave the enemies list in the air. I just loved seeing that it was so long. “He’s going to want to speak to you too so why not come with us? Dara is joining us for dinner after and you can too.”

“I don’t know...” It’s easy to see Chaz is overwhelmed.

“Do you have anything better planned?”

“If he doesn’t want to go maybe you should stop badgering him.” Danger, Will Robinson! This might be the first thing Robert has added to anything me and Chaz have said to each other since we got here. Too bad he didn’t manage it pleasantly.

“Oh, don’t worry, Robert. I would love to join you. We can even leave immediately. If Becca hasn’t quit yet she can take any calls we get.” This time the cool reaction as Chaz leaves is only directed at Robert. As soon as the door closes Robert starts right in on me.

“What the fuck are you thinking! Do you want him to figure it out.”

“Shut up, Robert. He deserved the raise and you know it. Even you were impressed with him. He’ll just think I was vulnerable because of what was going on.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it! Why the hell did you invite him along? Seeing the three of us together and closer than we should be is gonna tell him something’s up. We’re not that good at acting, even if we knew what we were pretending to be yet!” Can you tell Robert’s a trifle upset? There are a few signs.

“Joe will be there too. We’re running the same risk with him”

“I can distract Joe.” No doubt.

“I think I can distract Chaz too.” Robert nears livid.

“Not in front of Joe! We don’t even know if he’s been with a man and you can bet he sure as hell didn’t flirt in front of Joe!” It’s clear I don’t get it. “You are such an asshole. Joe and Simon were in love. Had been since high school.”

“I thought you said Simon was trying to be straight.”

“He was. The two of them never got past kissing and petting. Mrs. O told me. She walked in on them back in high school right before what would have been their first time ever.”

“Now we’re getting back to why Mrs. O feels guilty.”

“Yup. Simon freaked. He decided then and there never to act on his gay impulses. Mrs. O told me this ‘cause she hopes I could get Joe and you...shit, this is so hard to say when you’re both named Simon. Whose idea was that?”

“I wonder if it was a condition of the adoption?” Robert shrugs. It’s
another mystery we may never solve.

“Anyways, I’m supposed to get who she thinks is still her Simon to give into temptation with Joe. Like I would. Mrs. O doesn’t know about our no sharing policy.” Robert helps himself to some wine. He too avoids the Goldschlager. “Not that Mrs. O has ever thought Joe and Simon would make a very good couple. She just wants them to give it a try, get it out of their systems, and then Simon would be able to be happy with someone else.”

“That’s depressing, you know? Always wanting and never giving in. I don’t blame Mrs. O for feeling responsible, even if it really ain’t her fault.” Maybe I’ll let her catch me kissing a man before all this is over. Ease her mind some. “It does make me understand the differences between us. Fighting who he was had to create a lot of bitterness. I told you I went through Junior High and some of High School freaking out because it was so hard to accept what I was feeling. Not all of us can come to the blinding realization that we’re gay and accept it right off.”

“On the phone with you no less.” True story: Robert and I were friends before anything else and he was always cool with the gay thing even if seemingly uninterested. On the phone I asked him if there wasn’t any guy he found attractive. Robert thought about it, discovered there was a guy at work he was attracted to and switched teams then and there. He never has looked back.

“I can still handle Chaz even with this new dynamic with Mister Kuhl.” Robert reveals the reasonableness of this digression was a fake job.

“Like hell. You’re just risking all our asses ‘cause you want un Chaz’s pants. Michael had little Billy and you’ve gotta have your own too. You two were like this last time. You both take things way too far.” My blood runs cold with Robert’s casual mention of Michael and the truth of where we stood the past week. Especially with Michael god knows where in his mother’s unloving care.

“Go to hell, ‘Ert. Your handling things so much better? Ha. All you did was get lucky with what guy you screwed five seconds after meeting him. Guess after hundreds of times you were bound to hit paydirt.” Robert gets that expressionless anger thing across his face. I know he feels sensitive about how casual he is about sex and I still threw that in. “Maybe you should fuck Chaz and Pat too to make sure you’ve got every angle covered.

“At least what I’ve done helps. I’m doing this for all of us.” I can’t help it. I laugh.

“Really? What crime had I committed except come home when you guys called? What did Dara do beside keep Simon Douglas talking? Oh, that’s right. The problem is Simon was killed with a knife that looks just like one you lost.” Robert has a fantastic glare when he needs it. “Tell me, Robert. You sure some trick didn’t take it and then stick it in Simon’s chest. Think about it. Fuck anyone more unstable than usual lately?” That was too far even for how out of control our micro-bursts of temper get. Robert swings but luckily anger acts like adrenaline. By grabbing his forearm I can swing him into the wall. That takes a lot of steam out of him.

“I don’t have to stick around and watch you fuck us all over for some Keanu looking piece of tail. I’m going home. When you get your one phone call I’ll be waiting to say I told you so.” Robert almost knocks over Chaz as he’s returning. I’m so pissed off I don’t move to stop him.

“Who left the gerbil up his butt?” Chaz had to have heard the raised voices and the thud of Robert’s back hitting the wall. As a way of lightening a mood though, Chaz could have chosen better.

“Chaz...”

“I’m sorry but what an asshole. First he pumps me for information about Joe and you and then the claws come out when you start being friendly to me. I should call Joe back and cancel my go for it.” Joy. Friction between Chaz and Robert is the last thing I need. Trouble is the cell interrupts me.

“I suppose you’re calling to say you won’t be back to the office,” I answer, as I already know from the display it’s Margate.

“Frank invited me to dinner. I told him I’d have to check with you before saying yes.” Ever hear of post-cognition? It’s the opposite of pre-cognition, which is the ability to see the future. Post-cognition is where you see the past, specifically events you weren’t there for. Right now I’m having a vision of Chaz alerting Margate to my crying jag.

“I am fine now. It just got to me.”

“I would be more worried if it hadn’t, dear. Are you still at the office?” She screwed up there and I know that Chaz did as I suspected. “Pat informed me he and Mrs. O have Fern convinced you’re still at home but he could still stop by your office.” That means Chaz also mentioned my reaction to the press conference.

“He better get here soon then. Chaz and I are heading over to Max’s Old Place to meet Dara and this Detective Levy. You stay and have dinner with Frank. Between Chaz and Dara I’ll have the very best babysitters you could hope for.” Do I sound a little annoyed? I hope so.

“No Robert?” Aunt Margate misses nothing. That means even more care must be taken then we thought.

“He had to stop at his apartment. Could you tell Joe? With all Robert’s going through he could use his new special friend.” I give her Robert’s address and land line number. “Why don’t we meet for brunch? I have some things to discuss with you and outside the office would be a better setting.” Maybe I should un-stiffen my Douglas speak. I might be laying it on a little thick.

“Emilio’s at ten on Thursday?”

“Perfect.” That gives me another day to practice being her nephew. “I have to tell them I solved their staff problem anyways.”

“Anyway, sweetie.”

“Yes, Auntie M.”

“Auntie M?” Even Chaz looks surprised.

“Robert called you that earlier and it seemed a good fit.” Her laughter comes clear as a bell.

“Auntie M. I think I like it. Frank is back so I have to go. Do try to let your hair down after you speak with the detective.” From the way she said that I know Margate knows all about Simon’s repression and the root. I start immediately out the door with Chaz in tow, some sort of designer duffel bag having been grabbed from the closet.

“I have to sneeze, Chaz. Do you want to call Margate before or after?” Chaz would have to be an idiot to miss the fact I’m angry. Who wouldn’t be? Sure, it’s mostly because I’m afraid Chaz will tell Margate something that exposes me but that’s as valid a reason as any.

“We’re worried about you.” Notice no apology? Gotta respect that Chaz thinks he was doing what’s best for me.

“Then talk to me!” I say as the elevator doors close on us. “What you’re fretting over could simply be me deciding life is too short now and making changes accordingly.” Not careful, my ass! Notice I gave Chaz an excuse in advance for any future slip ups? Smooth. “Promise me you’re out of the spy network or I set up a meeting with your mother about her cookies.” Chaz’s grimace is real and very funny.

“I swear.”

“Good. Now where were we when Mata Hari called.”

“You were about to tell me why Robert isn’t a dickhead.”

“Oh, I’m sure he is one. Right now is not the correct time to evaluate that one way or another. Would you be Mister Wonderful if you had seen your best friend’s dead body in a parking lot last night? I mean, god, Chaz. Think of the ‘what if’s. What if I’d walked out to meet him. What if we hadn’t called down the shore.” Chaz gets the point quick. I wonder if he’s imagining how he’d have felt finding me/his Simon dead.

“I’d be an asshole and a dickhead and probably be possessive of someone who looked identical to him.” We stop as we reach the car. “Would you like me to drive?”

“Do you know how to get there from here?” I toss him the keys.

“You just let me know if I make a wrong turn.”

“I don’t think so. There is The Curse to deal with.” Chaz chuckles and it’s as velvety as it should be coming from that body.

“I didn’t know you were superstitious.” I like that Chaz is relaxing. No matter what Robert thought I know what I’m doing. If he and I kept the relationship my brother and he had Chaz would spot differences in no time. New relationship means another excuse for out of character behavior.

“Don’t underestimate The Curse. I can get anyone lost from the passenger seat. I decided it was a curse after the time I got someone lost in the neighborhood she grew up in. Or was it on the two block trip that wound up taking an hour?” Chaz doesn’t protest too much. I’m relieved that Other Simon was directionally challenged as well.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he says as we get in the car.

“That might be the case if there weren’t two parts to The Curse. My giving bad directions is simply the first half. Part two is the driver always trusts what I say no matter how many times he’s been burned.” Chaz doesn’t start the car right up. “You ever been to Max’s while Max still ran it?”

“Me? No, I didn’t dare. I was so closeted back then. I did have a few boyfriends in high school and in college but I was scared someone would find out.”

“But Max’s should have been safe. It was a mixed place then too.”

“What does that mean if you live in fear of being outed? What if I brought some girl there and bumped into Miguel or somebody? Even if he didn’t say anything I would have been dead of a coronary.” Chaz starts to turn the key when disaster strikes. It jumps in the back seat at least. “Elvis!” There’s a special kind fo fear in Chaz’s face I’ll identify before too long. There’s not too many things about the kid that could inspire fright.

“Don’t be mad, guys. I couldn’t go off like that. You said you were cool, Simon, but you didn’t act like you were okay.” Geeze, just what I need: the high school himbo. Already I know Elvis is unpredictable and wild.

“You had rehearsal, Elvis.” He simply shrugs at me.

“You know I have a photographic memory.” I stifle a laugh when I hear Chaz mutter ‘pornographic memory’. “Rehearsal is for everyone else. Until dress rehearsal I use practice times to slip out of the net.” It’s safe to assume Elvis is referring to however the Marquettes track what is clearly their problem child.

“Elvis, Chaz won’t pull out of here until you get out. We are on very serious business.” Elvis smiles.

“I heard someone say you’re meeting the cops at Max’s Old Place. I get out and five minutes from now I’m in a cab. You want me sneaking in and disrupting things or with you and under your watchful eyes?” Elvis obviously is a good actor. He seems almost innocent as he says this. It’s clear from Chaz’s reaction that Elvis will do exactly like he says.

“Okay. You win.” Chaz pulls out, disappointed our alone time is over. “There are two conditions. I want your fake IDs and you will stay at the bar. There will be none of your cute act for the police.” I can do implacable sometimes and Elvis responds. He hands me a very good ID adding five years to his age. “The other ones too.” Elvis tries outstaring me but caves. He gives up two equally fine IDs.

“How’d you know about the others?” The kid is a great pouter. I’ll have to tell Dara she has competition.

“The smart kid has an extra in case his first one is confiscated. You, Elvis, are a very smart kid so I assumed you had two more.” Elvis beams with pride at the compliment. “Too bad I’m a smart adult.” Chaz finally gives in to laughter.

“I don’t see why you bother stalking Mister Douglas, Elvis. He’s more on to you than anyone else.” Chaz’s eyes are on the road so he misses the smirk. My god. Elvis slept with Simon! There is no way this little monster can stick around. Unless I find a journal explaining why my brother was a chicken hawk, Elvis can blow me out of the water.

“So you guys doing it yet? That why I’m the third wheel?” We’re lucky traffic is light. Chaz totally loses control of the car. “What? Can’t a guy ask a question?” I decide to just go with the flow and deal with the kid like I would have two days ago.

“Doesn’t guarantee an answer, kid. Let me ask one.” Elvis’ eyes glitter. I was right that this kid is smart. He probably dances circles around most everyone he knows. Someone as on to him as me and probably Simon would be a challenge he couldn’t resist. Maybe that was Simon’s appeal. “Why are you such a slut? I know being a gay teen is trendy now but a whore is a whore.” Elvis looks like he’s been slapped. Good. Cocky Elvis is too much for me to juggle on top of the less unpredictable characters I’m dealing with.

“Mister...Simon, that was a little harsh...” I can’t believe Chaz is buying this act. Sure, I don’t doubt the boy wonder is feeling a little hurt but he’s playing it up. He does rebound good though.

“I can give you a couple of good tips, Simon, if you’re serious about preppy boy here. The spot where your legs almost meet at the top? A little tongue there and Chaz goes nuts.” Should I be worried I understand Elvis? Maybe. Okay, let’s say I’m right about Simon Douglas being with Elvis. Elvis has gotta be picking up a major don’t touch vibe and who is nearest to blame? That’s right. Chaz. What’s a tried and true way of torpedoing the competition? Reveal you’ve already been with them. I almost laugh but Chaz’s latest freak out means I have to grab the wheel to keep us in one lane. Chaz is nearly hyperventilating as he regains control of both himself and the wheel.

“Mister Douglas...Simon...I...” Chaz’s power of speech remains out of his command however.

“Come on, Chaz. I’m not stupid. I see how tense he makes you. So how did he do it? My guess is you were drunk.” Chaz sighs with his whole body even as Elvis sinks further into a sulk.

“Yeah, he was shit faced. It was after the Christmas party where he caught Pat with that waiter.” So Chaz and Pat are exes? Interesting but hardly helpful unless they’ve reconciled to commit murder. “I made sure Chaz drank as much as he wanted to and I guess maybe he didn’t know the first time it was me.” Elvis gets a little too into the bragging. “‘Course, he knew who he was doing when we woke up the next day...”

“Is this important?” Chaz sounds like he’s going to freak again any second. “We’re supposed to be helping the police determine who killed the other Simon. How does an out of control teen help?”

“Relax, Chaz. Me getting the story now deprives Elvis of a chance for drama later. He’s lost his hold on you unless he wants Daddy to know and press charges against you.” Now I see a very real emotion in Elvis’ eyes. What I’ve just said has inspired true terror in him. Fern scares the shit out of his oldest son. Thank god we’re pulling into Max’s parking lot. I toss the IDs back to the boy. “You can keep these, Elvis, but this is as far as you’re going.”

“Come on, Simon. You promised!” The whine is good too. It clearly amuses Chaz as he retrieves his duffel bag.

“Too bad, kid. I’ve decided Chaz is right. The focus has to be on the investigation and not what outrageous thing you do next. Your big mistake was the game you played with Chaz.” Despite what I said, Elvis starts to follow us to the door. “Elvis, you set foot in there and I’ll tell the detective and your father about those IDs. Look me right in the eyes and tell me I won’t.” Elvis tries to outstare me again and fails. I wonder why he’s even trying. The thing, is I really would have done the first part, telling super cop. No way would I narc him out to his father after seeing how terrified he is of the man.

“Fuck you both. I hope he arrests both your asses.” Elvis flips us off for good measure and heads off talking into his phone. Maybe he’s calling a cab but I bet whoever picks him up won’t have a yellow car. Poor kid. Still, with him gone we can get back to business.

Chapter Six: A Nightmare Come True?

Tuesday, August 10th
2:00 PM

The dreams are the worst part. Remember what I said about not remembering dreams unless they’re either horrific or sexual? Well, the doozies I had after being poured into Simon’s bed sure as hell weren’t sexual! There were dreams about being killed, being the killer, and just watching as someone else killed Simon. In them all I was always the guilty party no matter whether I was killer or victim. In some me, Dara, and Robert got the chair for what happened in various combinations. Even worse was one of the ones set at funerals. The sad occasion soon turned into a wild celebration that I had been removed from the lives of everyone gathered. Even Dara, Dieter, Michael, and Robert got up between dance sets to explain what was wrong with me and why they were all glad I was dead. When I got up to explain it wasn’t really me that died things got even got uglier. Those assembled turned on me, determined to correct the mistake. They were seconds from killing me in the last dream when I awoke with a jerk.

No, seriously. I awoke with a jerk. It came as a complete shock to me. Robert lay in the bed next to me. Not that I thought for one moment we had drunken sex the night before. I was under the covers and he was above them and I’m pretty sure he was wearing Joe’s boxers. What do I remember about getting in last night? Not a lot. I was pretty lit when we got to the Main Line. It turned out Robert’s reason for me putting a serious dent in the bar’s stock was pure genius. He and Joe wound up having to help me to ‘my’ room, thus avoiding Joe realizing I was clueless about where I was supposed to sleep. Joe undressed me as Robert admired the sparse furnishings. Simon seems to have shared my distaste for overdoing it when decorating. I’m pretty sure Joe’s hands strayed and lingered a bit while he was doing his job but I liked it so didn’t protest.

Careful not to wake Robert, I get up to do a more sober reconnaissance. The bedroom itself is huge. Decorated in black, including floors and walls, it just contains a bed even bigger than the one at The Ambassador, entertainment center, night stand, floor lamp, and two comfy looking armchairs. No clothes fill the closet, just boxes. One door leads to a bathroom suite equal in size to my apartment. Another opens on narrow stairs leading up and down into the house. The third is to the rest of the rooms that were Simon’s.

The central room has more in it but is barely more filled up than the bedroom. There’s another entertainment center, two more armchairs, a sectional that could house an entire Ozark family, and the monster sized desk that has Simon’s computer stuff. Everything that can be is black, including the best computer set up on Earth. There’s a third room, the same size as the bedroom, but Simon uses this one as a wardrobe. I’d learn later all the master bedroom suites are laid out the same, the sole exception being Margate’s. She had two suites combined for her living quarters. The guest rooms are smaller versions of the same. Simon wasn’t just loaded: He was stinking, filthy rich! I take some pride from that, especially since the news referred to him as CEO of Derwillion Foods. He clearly didn’t have to work and yet still did.

“Hey.” By the time I get back to the bedroom Robert is waking up and is watching Golden Girls. I’ve never seen such a big Bea Arthur in my life. I think it’s late but since by channel surfing you could watch Golden Girls all day how can I tell? “You even a little bit okay? I popped in after Joe had to go and you were must have been having one hell of a dream. Wanna talk about it?”

“About the dreams, no. About what we’re going to do next, you bet your overworked ass.” We continue to talk as I start the shower. “I figure it’s too late to scope out the office, wherever that is.”

“It’s right in the middle of the ritziest part of the business district. Derwillion Foods owns primo real estate and get this, you now have a studly sounding assistant named Chaz Griffith.” Robert doesn’t say anything about my assumption concerning going to the office. That probably means it we could go in if I insisted. What I’m more interested in is how Robert found out about the assistant. “Joe agreed with me that we should let you sleep but that the detective needed some crumbs thrown his way. He gave me your new office number and I got this Chaz started on an enemies list. Don’t freak on me but it’s apparently gonna be huge.”

“I guess that settles which one of us was the evil twin,” I say as I enjoy my favorite part of showering: the spray hitting the base of my skull and hot water running down my back. “You talk to Michael or check out how my family’s holding up?” In the back of my mind is the fun with Michael that last night derailed despite the revelations of what Manager Billy had really been to him. I know that Robert got huge amounts about Simon’s life out of Joe but that can wait.

“I spoke to Annette. She’s a wreck. Turns out she was planning on surprising you this morning down the shore with an all is forgiven speech. She ran into Dieter on his way to New York and he finally got through all the hurt that’s been keeping her away.” I don’t know how I manage to not cry at this news.

“Robert, we have to tell her...”

“Um, no we don’t. I know this sounds cold but we need someone showing honest grief at the funeral. Hey, she just forgave you for what you considered to be unforgivable. Her not holding this against you will be a snap compared to that.” Even through the shower curtain Robert must have seen my reaction. “Relax a little. I lied to Annette that Dieter had warned you about her visit. She sounded better after believing you died knowing all was okay between you two again. It’s your mom that’s the big worry.”

“Her heart?”

“Got it in one. She had a pretty decent sized heart attack last night after Kathy called. Annette was told another big shock anytime in the near future could be the one that does her in, especially since she won’t let them hospitalize her.” That’s no surprise either. Since surgery really isn’t an option for Mum’s condition she has refused most of the in patient treatments they’ve offered her. “Thank god you’re one call wasn’t home but to Michael...” It doesn’t take years of knowing him to realize Robert wishes he hadn’t brought up my once and hopefully future boyfriend. I’m praying my worst fears about him and Billy are true. That would be bad but not truly horrific. The way my luck is running, however, that can’t be it. That’s not painful enough.

“How is he? I know you called him.” I finish rinsing and kill the water so I can look Robert in the eye.

“We’ve got big trouble there and its name is Martha.” Big trouble cannot begin to cover it. Martha Fuchs is as evil as they come, pure and simple. If Michael hadn’t turned out gay she would have found something else wrong with him. I think on some level she’s glad her only child is gay. It gives her a socially acceptable reason to be disappointed in him. The Bitch Queen Empress also despises each and every one of his friends with me getting an extra big helping of hating. Little Mikey’s been a practicing homosexual since he was fifteen but I was living with him when he officially came out. To her it’s a momentary blip in her life plan for him that I was singlehandedly responsible for.

“We have a confirmed Martha sighting? Michael said she’d been sticking to the disowning thing this year.” I barely feel the world’s most comfortable towel drying me.

“Russo’s manager saw her in person. I think I caught him while he was still in shock.” Martha has that effect on mammals. “Martha and her driver came for Michael’s things in the middle of the breakfast rush. She said Michael was going home.” This is too much. I barely notice Robert directing me toward the clothes he must have picked out before he fell asleep beside me.

“That’s nuts. Even if a lobotomy made her accept Michael for who and what he is, he’d never go back home. Michael’s just not suited to be one of The Fuchs.” Note the capital The. The Fuchs have been huge in banking and investing since they invented banking and investing. The Catholic Church wishes they had as much money as Michael’s family has. Even a straight Michael wouldn’t be cut out for the family business. Returning to the family bosom would just mean a slow death.

“Hearing you were dead made Michael need a mother’s love and comfort. He can’t have been thinking straight because he forgot Martha doesn’t do either one. According to Whatshisname at the restaurant, Martha appeared delighted to inform him Michael was hearing dead people.”

“My call.”

“Yerp. Annette said Martha called to confirm you were toes up somewhere and thus that her beloved son was delusional. My guess? He’s either been checked into a woo hoo hoo hospital or on his way there.” For the second time in twenty-four hours I lose track of things going on around me. All I know is I’m a Bizarro Universe version of King Midas what with the way everything I touch turns to shit. What big things have I accomplished? Ruining Annette’s life, almost killing Mum with the news of my death, and now I’ve put Michael in a looney bin at his evil mother’s mercy with the news I hadn’t died. Robert’s reaction to my obvious inner turmoil? He pulls me into one of the hottest kisses anyone has ever given me. A few minutes later I push him away hard.

“Are you nuts? We don’t do that anymore!” Not sober anyway and I have to admit some small part of me wishes I hadn’t finished dressing before the kiss. Robert is a world class kisser. What’s so funny is he really doesn’t like kissing all that much. To him it’s just a means to an end.

“It was either that or slap you. I thought this way wouldn’t leave a red mark and besides, I don’t slap.”

“Tell that to Dieter,” I manage to huff.

“Dieter should keep his mouth shut and his hands out of my sock drawer.” Dieter said pretty much that last part himself. We were all afraid Dieter would tell us what was in the sock drawer if we asked nicely so we very carefully didn’t. “The important thing is that the kiss did its job. You still looping on the ‘what a loser shit I am’ message in your brain?” A smug Robert drops his boxers as he gets in to shower. A smaller part of him enjoyed the kiss too.

“Just let’s do the slap thing next time no matter what your principles. We’ve been down that road before and the year without you because of it was as bad as having my family throw me out. I won’t trade your friendship for sex,” Robert gives me the ‘go on’ look and I remember our agreement should this topic ever come up again, “even if it was the best sex I ever had or could possible ever hope to achieve again with anyone else ever,” I finish in monotone. It’s something Robert insists I say if our physical relationship ever gets discussed. It never fails to lift his spirits no matter how rote I am in my recital. “So what did you have figured for what’s left of the day? I thought we could back to back meeting Dara and letting the detective meet us.”

“Already done. We also need to make an appearance at the office. If they see you now it’ll go better than it would in a few days. It’s also weird how Dara chose Max’s Old Place. Turns out Derwillion Foods is the current owner. BTW, Max called Dara while you were on vacation.” Good old Max Hall. He’s one of Dara’s favorite surviving exes, a relationship that really had no future but was a lot of fun despite that. Max turned an insurance settlement into Max’s, one of Philly’s hottest clubs ever. Then he traded up for an even more successful Max’s in NYC. Dara calls him the one that ran away. They still hook up occasionally when they’re in the same city and single. “Oh, and office boy e-mailed some work. The thought his Simon would be too emotionally distraught to work never occurred to Chaz.” Robert then presses a button on the deceptively antique looking intercom system on the wall.

“Yes, dear?” A sweet voiced older woman answers.

“He’s up, Mrs. O’Henry.”

“Now, Robert. I told you I’m Mrs. O to my boys and that’s what you are now.” Robert wasted no time with Mrs. O. She must be great to deserve that. “The usual?”

“Only if it’s cold cereal and tea. I’ve been extolling the virtues of Honey Comb to your Simon.”

“You’ll be happy to know I keep a supply of just that for my great-grandson. Hopefully you’ll get to meet him when his mothers drop him by this weekend.” The two mommies thing is no surprise to Robert. He really has been working it since getting here. “I’ll send Pat right up.” I wait until Robert breaks the connection.

“You worked her good.”

“Si, she worked me. Mrs. O blames herself for the other you being so repressed. I guess I would too if I was her.” That doesn’t sound right and Robert reads that on my face. “I didn’t say it was really her fault. She just blames herself is all.” For a moment Robert appears about to explain but then the magpie trait resurfaces as he sees a shiny bauble. This time it’s a laptop.

“Robert...”

“Chill, Simon. This machine is just so cool. I bet not even Andre has this sweet a laptop.” Before I can stop him, Robert has it booted up. I expected him to start looking for porn on the Internet but instead he accesses the e-mails this Chaz person sent. “Cool. P&L’s on some of the stores Derwillion owns, background on places they might buy, and credit checks on prospective buyers on places they wanna dump. That reminds me. We need Other Simon’s credit history and so on. Might give us some clues. Definitely help us pull this off even if it’s no other help. What?” Robert’s annoyed with the way I’m staring. I can’t help it. Flighty and superficial waiter boy is talking like any of what he’s just said is in English. It’s just not right.

“What are you talking about? Credit checks and P&L’s? What do you know about business shit?”

“My whole life doesn’t revolve around sex.” I can’t keep my laugh in but Robert joins in rather than getting offended. “Okay, ninety percent of it does. I know this stuff because of Kathy. I avoided work at closing by hanging out with her and she noticed a lot of her paperwork made sense to me. She showed me what she was doing. Ever notice she’s been on the floor at close as much as I’m not? I’ve been doing Kathy’s job and even some of the big boss’s. Donna would shit if she knew the last month’s worth of schedules were all written by me.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Robert?” This gets a pillow tossed at me.

“Hey, if I can juggle three dates in one night then numbers naturally would be easy. Why don’t you make yourself useful? Log on at the desk and access Chaz’s enemies list.”

“It won’t mean a thing to me,” I pout.

“Duh. I just suggested it so you could feel useful but shh, don’t tell yourself. ‘Sides, with all the similarities you and this guy have maybe you’ll spot something by instinct. Now, shoo. This one P&L’s a doozy. This store’s gonna be bleeding money soon if this isn’t nipped in the bud.” I think Robert’s forgotten me, so absorbed is he by whatever’s got him so excited, but he proves me wrong when I’m thwarted by the password. “Oh yeah. The password’s ‘Kill me. Kill me now’. Talk about irony in action.”

“Eerie, too. I’ve used one’s just like it.” The computer springs to life and a picture of Joe, Margate, and Simon drunk at a Christmas party comes to life as wallpaper.

“You mean ‘take me now, lord’ or ‘The world is shit’?” The cold look Robert gets demands he explain. “Dude, I’ve been hacking since Andre turned me on to it. If I can learn a lot from Kathy in a crowded office then screwing the Eastern seaboard’s best computer programmer would be like a master class. Remind me to e-mail you Dara’s journal files some time. Now those are classics.” Should I tell him Dara knows someone hacked her system? Nah. Let him find out for himself someday. Dara planted a whole bunch of stuff about her unrequited passion for her gay friends hoping the culprit would tip his hand for the sake of a joke.

“This is weird, Si. It’s like someone has been trying to fuck up.” He tries to show me on the indecipherable columns scrolling across his screen when I’m saved by a knock on the door. Robert reaches for the phone as I get a look at this Pat Mrs. O has sent us. The blonde pushing the breakfast cart is almost as much of a knockout as Joe, who I gather he’s spoken to already today. There’s something like a smirk on his Brad Pitt-esque face as he takes in Robert.

“One gourmet brunch, sir,” he says as he wheels the cart in. As he passes me I see all the reason I’d need to hire him. I kinda feel sorrier for my dead twin now. He surrounded himself with a gay buffet but from what we can tell he never sat himself down to eat. “Joe and some Dara chick both called. They’ll meet y’all at Max’s Old Place about the same time as the cops. Did Robert tell you they all knew the original Max?”

“Apparently this Dara chick even dated him.” Robert confirms this and Pat is blown away.

“No shit. I was just off the bus from Nowhere, Idaho, back then but one good look at Max cleared up what little confusion I had about what team I played on.” I can’t believe how open first Joe and now Pat is around me. Did my brother live vicariously through them? I hope so. Secondhand thrills beat none at all. In the background we hear Robert requesting the same records for the three previous months and promising to treat Chaz to drinks if he hurries. “Tell Joe’s new little friend there not to bother with the prep. Chaz has got it pretty bad for you, boss.” From the look on Pat’s face, I gather he crossed some line he had been warned about.

“Then I guess he likes his men to be real hard to get.” I’m rewarded with that trademark breezy smile of Pat’s. I was wrong about why Simon would have hired Pat. The body and looks are just extras. The uncomplicated good cheer he radiates is his true selling point. “Anyway, who could get enough of Joe in one night? There’s always time to work on Chaz next week.” Now this appears to confuse Pat. Apparently the banter is only supposed to go one way, the occasional snide comment not included. He recovers enough to remind me that this is Mrs. O’s night off and he may see us at the club. Robert stays silent until the door is closed.

“Joe was right about him. Eager to please but nary a clue. He’s gonna be homeless once those looks fade.”

“Oh, I don’t know. He’s got a good personality.” Robert snorts his response.

“That goes far in a club. ‘That other guy is so hot but check out the personality on Pat!’”

“He actually reminds me of you-”

“WHAT!?”

“-only without the brainpower.” His answer this time is to make another ebon throw pillow live up to its name. “Don’t be so hard on Pat, especially in the first five minutes. Eye candy that can make you feel good is rare. What were you up to with Chaz? Planning to go through all of Simon’s employees?”

“Hardly. I’m a one man kinda guy.” A raise eyebrow follows that. “Okay, a one man at a time kinda guy with exceptions made by appointment. Wouldn’t matter anyhow. Pat was right about Chaz having it bad for ‘you’. Every other sentence was all about asking how you were doing. I just had to shmooze him to make sure I got the info I wanted and here it is now. Aha! I was right!”

“Had to happen someday,” I mutter but Roberts hear sit anyways.

“Very ha-ha. You just earned the right to be ignorant for a bit longer.” He’s serious too. With a flourish Joan Crawford would have been proud of, Robert swivels so his back is to me as I dig into brunch. I stick out my tongue at his back but it’s really Robert who’s the one losing out here. He’s given up a chance to show off how clever he is.

Me, I’ve got the super-computer to play with. It probably has the computing power necessary to run a small country and it’s mine, all mine! It sure as hell beats my dinosaur back home. That only reminds me of Annette or whoever gets the job of packing up my apartment. I may not be a whiz at restaurant management but I can do something about that. I scroll through the cell phone’s address book until I get to Chaz and hit dial.

“Derwillion Foods, Simon Douglas’ offices, this is Chaz, how may I help you?” Man, Robert was right about the voice! He sounds like honey dripped on beefcake.

“It’s me, Chaz.”

“Oh, Mister Douglas! It’s such a relief to hear you. Ms. Derwillion and Joe said you were in good hands with Robert but all of us down here were still worried. Do you need anything?” I almost forget to answer. I’m enjoying listening to him too much.

“Actually, yes. Contact the dead man’s family. Tell them we’ll hire someone to pack up the other Simon’s apartment for them.” Then it hits me just how much use an assistant can be. “And, Chaz? How are you at funeral arrangements?”

“As bad as anyone else, sir, but I have a cousin who works for a funeral home. Blinky will love to help.” That’s a relief. “Sir, what if they want some personal thing to remember your...brother by?”

“The people you hire will have to do an inventory, Chaz. We give the family an edited list and they can decide which items they want. Robert gave me his sister’s name and cell phone number. She’s Annette Carpenter and the number is 623-377-7222.”

“I’ll get right on it, sir.”

“What else is wrong, Chaz?”

“Wrong?”

“Chaz, you sound like a man trying not to say something. There was even a pause before you said ‘wrong?’. You’re debating whether to burden me with something.” Wow, I’m pulling this off! All I have to do is cut down on contractions and talk like I have a baseball bat up my butt.

“Well, it just seems like is the last thing I should be telling you at a time like this.”

“Chaz, everyday diversions might be what I need.” If only he knew! “Tell me what you’re holding back or you’re fired.”

“So soon? I’ve never been fired before Wednesday before.” I should have known Simon’s sense of humor would dovetail neatly with mine.

“Out with it, Chaz.” I hear the sigh of a true drama queen.

“It’s all those P&L’s and other files I got for Robert. Mister Marquette’s secretary says he’s livid with her and I for doing that without consulting him. He’s also worked up over Ms. Derwillion banning him from calling you today.” I’ll have to check out who this Mister Marquette is. Chaz clearly dislikes him immensely.

“And Mister Marquette needs to speak with me? Why not Margate or Paterson. If he needs someone’s go-ahead they should be enough.” Another sigh. It’s a pretty good one too.

“Mister Derwillion could but he’s terrified of what his sister will do if he goes along with what Mister Marquette wants.”

“Chaz, stop wasting time. Tell me what Margate would kill Paterson over!” The best sigh yet follows. This guy should go pro.

“Mister Marquette has a press conference set up for you and all he needs is to speak to you to get the ball rolling. Ms. Derwillion got wind of it and made sure no one at the office or your home would help Fern speak with you.” My silence encourages Chaz to continue. “Mister Marquette wants to exploit the death to get Derwillion Foods some free and sympathetic press. Your aunt was livid at the man’s callousness.”

“Next time you speak to her tell my aunt she wasted her time.” From Chaz’s gasp I can guess everyone’s fear was that the real Simon Douglas would have gone along with Fern Marquette’s ghoulish plan. “Let Mister Marquette know that there will be no speaking to the press or exploiting the Carpenter Family’s grief. Also inform the man that Margate will be handling any calls from the press from here on in. We can at least count on my aunt to use good judgement and taste.” I know got a little heated but that it’s enough to get silent applause from Robert is a surprise.

“Yes, sir. Oh, and Mister Douglas, do you remember my cousin Jelly Bean?” My god, what is it with the names of Chaz’s cousins?

“Jelly Bean?”

“The cop.” Like that helps.

“If I lie that I remember him-”

“Her.”

“-will you get on with it?” I can’t believe Chaz doesn’t get fired more often! At least he does finally continue.

“I called her as soon as Detective Levy got off the phone with me. JB says he’s the best. If he can’t uncover every dark secret surrounding your brother’s death then no one can.”

“We’re screwed!!”

”Me maybe when Joe gets home but I don’t know about you.” Not the reaction I expected when I told Robert about the super cop!

“This isn’t funny!”

“If you were looking at yourself in a mirror right now you wouldn’t be saying that. You ever wonder why we all take off when you get upset? We split so you don’t get more upset from us laughing.” Robert continues sorting his printouts as he plays down my terror. “I already knew Levy’s rep. Syd has lot of cop customers so I called him for the 411. He says the guy is so decent and honorable he should be on TV. ‘Member those hookers that were getting whacked a few years back?”

“The Sin Stalker?” One of Philly’s little serial killers.

“Levy’s the one who solved it. Syd said he resisted pressure from everywhere to settle for the homeless guy they arrested first. If it weren’t for super cop there’d still be an insane preacher out there offing sinners. I think Syd has a hardon for the guy. Straight acting was a thing for him so why shouldn’t a guy being totally straight be even more of one? Syd must have mentioned three times Levy was breeder through and through.” I have to get off this train of thought. Sex and Syd are two mental images I refuse to combine!

“So I guess using you to distract him is out?”

“Don’t think I won’t try anyway. I would do a woman if it’d save our lives. Hopefully it won’t come to that and our secret weapon will be enough.” Robert pauses long enough so I can join in.

“The Dara-nator!” We giggle uncontrollably. Dara doesn’t even know she’s our secret weapon. We just turn her loose on any breeder we want to befuddle and sit back and wait.

“Did she really flirt with Simon?”

“She was at one button when he came in and was down two more by the time I had to get back on the floor.” Robert means how Dara was wearing her barely regulation white blouse. With her decolletage, two buttons undone is usually enough to get a generous tip from the cheapest breeder male or lesbian. Three buttons is when she starts converting breeder women and gay men.

“That bad?”

“Worse. My theory’s she was acting out all those fantasies she had before you came out to her. Like Charlie. I mean, was he a watered down you or what?”

“You know, except for the sex thing, me and Dar would make a perfect couple.” It’s actually a thought that’s crossed my mind every so often.

“So get married and hire a bisexual pool boy.”

“Nah. We have a policy against dating any of your exes.” Robert flipped me off so casually it was almost reflexive.

“Another rude ha-ha. And here I was so close to forgiving you for hurting my feelings so bad a few minutes ago...”

“Drop the bullshit, ‘Ert. You forgave me the second you realized you couldn’t stay mad at me and continue showing off how brilliant you are.” Apparently bored with the physical effort of extending his middle finger, Robert reaches for a flash card he has prepared. What it suggests is rude and has me remembering a day we were snowed in some years ago. “I don’t know. First you crawl in bed with me and now this lewd proposition...”

“And you keep sinking further and farther. Ah, I suppose I’ll just have to be the bigger man-”

“In what alternate reality?” I know, I know. We should really be focusing on the matter at hand and somewhere my subconscious is. It’s just I think I’ll go bug fucking nuts if my conscious mind gets in on the act too.

“I stand corrected: The much bigger man. Shut up and listen. I think someone’s trying to do some subtle sabotage. There’s almost a pattern in what’s hurting Derwillion Foods now and what will hit it hard soon.” Robert switches to serious face now. “Most problems are being fixed only partly, just from their paperwork turned in I think a lot of the managers aren’t getting fully trained, and then they get transferred around too quick for them to really finish anything they’ve started at a store. It’s a shitload of time bombs just waiting to go off. This Fern guy is the most likely sinister mastermind as the lead supervisor for the restaurants. Joe said Simon got him to sign a new contract with the company and Fern was less than thrilled to be staying on. Coercion on Simon’s part is probable.”

“Is his last name Marquette by any chance?”

“How-? Oh right. I heard you mention him on the phone. What did Chaz say about him? Joe mentioned that Margate and Mrs. O would be running interference. It seemed like they considered the guy a bad influence on their Simon.” What Robert is hinting at is that Chaz let down the home team by bringing up anything Marquette related.

“Chaz doesn’t work for Joe or them. When asked something by his boss, he answers. He told me the creep wanted to exploit ‘my’ death to get the company In the papers. What kind of mind would think like that?” Even if it didn’t hurt my family I can’t imagine considering an action like that. Robert deliberately doesn’t look at me as he answers.

“Um, Si? Joe and them weren’t keeping you and him apart so as to avoid upsetting you. They were worried you’d jump at the suggestion. Your twin probably would have told Fern yes in a heartbeat.” It only takes me a moment to realize this isn’t the shock Robert expected it to be.

“Chaz did seem surprised I was so disgusted by the idea. I guess repression can even make the best guys assholes.” I know what my bestest friend is gonna say even as I see his lips start to part. Something about no twin of mine having a chance at being best anything. “Oh, shut up. Just wait until you meet your evil twin.” Robert chuckles.

“‘Hon, have you missed the last few years? I am the evil twin.” More chuckling. The truth doesn’t always have to hurt. Sometimes it just hits the funny bone. Then Robert starts packing up my newly inherited briefcase. “Oh and there’s something else I thought of. When we hit the office we need to expose you to as many people there as possible.” Can we say scary, boys and girls?

“Is that wise?” See? I’m already starting to talk like him.

“I was thinking...” Robert scowls as he realizes what I’m humming is from Beauty and the Beast. “There are gonna be some things you cant do Douglasian. We expose the office folk to you now while you’re in shock and they have a reason for how you’re acting different. ‘Sides, I want at some of the cool stuff KA’s will never have!” And thus we were off on an adventure I never dreamed I’d have!

Chapter Five: Could it get more complicated?

Monday, August 9th
1:30 AM

“Now I get how everyone would think I’m dead.” On Dara’s insistence I’m going through the other guy’s desk. Somehow discovering Other Simon saved every scrap of paper from his days causes a whole new wave of pain. I kept fighting moments like this. I could function if I took it moment by moment. If I felt it all I think I would have lost what little mind I have left. I’d had blood kin as close as a twin all these years and he was killed minutes before our first meeting. Why did the universe feel the need to piss on me so much? This blow rivals losing my adoptive family. My friends say nothing as they see me obviously struggling with my composure. What could they have said that helped anyways? “I just don’t get why you let them keep on thinking that.” Again there are guilty looks I don’t understand.

“It’s not that simple, Simon. I mean, don’t think for a second we’re doing this lightly.” Dara launches into major rambling. She’s pretty not thrilled with this as well. “The police, that creepy reporter, everyone else, they all thought it was you. I mean, he had the face and the wallet, right? There just wasn’t a good time to correct them...”

“And they’d think we’d killed him,” Robert added, helpfully.

“Well, there is that little point to consider as well.” I guess I looked as stunned as I felt so she explained. “We held him there, we made phone calls he didn’t hear, no one saw him right up until Kathy tripped over him, and the knife sticking out of his chest looks just like one of Sydney’s.” No one ever said Dara wasn’t good at nut-shelling things. With the bare bones of a case she has laid down, I might suspect them of murder if I didn’t know them so well.

“But having me play Dead Simon? Come on, guys. I felt like a shit heel for lying to Margate. What about what this will do to my family? From a phone call I got, they already know. How can I forget their pain and go live the high life?” I need a drink. This time I settle for some wine I find.

“We’ve got no choice, Simon. If we come clean now the police will think they have the real killers and stop looking. It’ll be like OJ in reverse.” Dara joins me on the couch with a bottled water. Robert’s moved on to oohing and ahing over my new wardrobe. I think he’s part magpie on his mother’s side. “Besides, what if the killer is insane? He could decide to kill you too. Simon Douglas can protect himself in a way Simon Carpenter never could. Please don’t make us go through that awful twenty minutes again if there’s something you can do to prevent it. I swear it would kill me this time.” That’s what made me give in, the look in Dara’s eyes. I know it wouldn’t physically kill her but what it would do to her emotionally I didn’t want to be responsible for if I could help it. I just have one proviso.

“I just have one proviso.” Dara looks at me expectantly as Robert reenters the room with a brand new shirt on. It’s a deep blue silk and looks great on him. It’s a bit big with the cuffs going halfway down his palms but since he likes that look it’s cool. “I’ll feel like shit doing this under any conditions so we need to make it more constructive, you know? We can’t just enjoy the high life and hope ‘my’ killer is found. We’ve got to do everything we can to solve this ourselves.” I’m not disappointed with only getting a scowl from Dara. She’s the designated level head in our circle of friends. Robert exceeds the expectations I had for gaining his support.

“Oh cool! We get to be like that Justice guy in those books you wanted me to read!” ‘Wanted me to read’. That’s a tacit admission Robert never opened one single book I loaned him. If it isn’t a magazine with a hot guy on the cover, Robert doesn’t read it.

“Sounds more like Stephanie Plum to me,” is Dara’s sour answer. The literary reference surprises me. As a lifelong South Jersey resident, Dara is very sensitive about the state’s portrayal in all media. I’ve often had to hear her going on about Janet Evanovich denigrating New Jersey and its residents for the sake of cheap laughs. Frankly, I think Evanovich is writing documentaries. I mean, how can anyone write about life in Trenton and not go for laughs? I know better than to mention that right now. “I hope you two realize this is not a book, movie, or TV show. Just because we suddenly have a mystery doesn’t mean we just as suddenly become good detectives. It might sound good when Tim Cockey writes it but we don’t have an outline to follow or someone writing our lines.”

“Dara, of course we don’t expect things to go like that! We’re just gonna be in a better spot than the police to dig up dirt. We figure out who the suspects are, get as much as we safely can on them, and then turn it all over to the boys in blue as soon as we have anything solid. Simple.” Dara is appeased but Robert isn’t. I bet Robert had visions of a us becoming a road show version of Murder She Wrote dancing in his head. I kinda do too. Worried Dara might be figuring that out, I glance her way. She’s doing the exaggerated watch checking thing.

“I hate to break up this little party, girls, but my last class for summer semester is in ten hours and I have to get home. After lunch today I shouldn’t ditch the parents yet either.” That would be Margie and Stan McCray. If there were an Olympic event for insane married couples, America would have brought home the gold every year since they wed. I love them dearly but cannot imagine having to live with them. It’s a miracle that with a father and stepmother like them Dara turned out as normal and well-adjusted as she has.

“Who is it this time: Dad or Mom?” Robert is convinced the McCray marriage is on its last legs. He could be right but he’s been saying that the whole time he’s known Dara. “It’s gotta be your mother. I had an uncle who was totally nutso for two years after his bypass.”

“I’m not sure you’re diagnosis is right but Mom is definitely the crazy one right now. Dad’s never been the easiest guy in the world to live with but Mom gets homicidal about even small things lately.” Dara gets up to give Robert a quick peck and I get a ‘god, it’s great you didn’t really die’ hug. “Can we hook up at Max’s Old Place around seven tomorrow? You guys can bring me up to speed on the Hardly Boys investigation while I’m making sure there’s no murders waiting for me at home when this is all over.” The Hardly Boys comment gets her flipped off by both of us as she exits. She’s pleased. A double flip-off is rare indeed.

“Finally!” is all Robert says once she’s gone. “We better get you more presentable before this Joe gets here. Take a bath and your usual after-bath shower and I’ll have something more Douglas picked out for you to wear.”

“Dead man clothes. Ik.” Despite that concept, a long soak does sound good. The shower part sounds even better since I didn’t get to shower off my last soak at Michael’s place. Michael! “Robert, you have to call Michael! I don’t know how we’re gonna run this scam but I do know Dieter and Michael have to be included. If we need people to watch our backs, there’s no one I’d want more than them.” I can see Robert agrees.

“Me and Dara already tried calling them. Michael doesn’t answer and we can’t reach the restaurant. Dieter’s at that Anime thing in New York. I’ll catch up to him at Max’s apartment when I can. Now go. If you don’t start the bath, you’ll never finish, and if you never finish we’ll never get out of here.” Robert logic at its best. I start to head for the cavernous bathroom to strip when it strikes me as silly. It’s been years, not counting drunken slips, since me and Robert were lovers but during that time I think we saw each other out of clothes more than in them.

“Don’t pick anything I wouldn’t buy with a better budget. I don’t want to look like I’m playing dress up.” Robert doesn’t even look up as the last thing I’m wearing hits the ground. I don’t want him to want me anymore but a small appraising glance would have been nice.

“There’s no worries there, ‘Mon. Everything here is your taste. It’s kinda weird. It’s like you guys were the same person in two different places.” Leaving Robert to perfect my look, I head to wash up. There I confirm that everything material in a rich guy’s life is better. The water is set to the perfect temp immediately and the pressure is amazing. So’s my train of thought. Right back to my fucked up family it goes.

Sam must be on Cloud Nine And A Half right now. Now I’m not just disowned but as dead as Christian Slater’s career as well. Doing the back from the dead thing eventually will be sweet just to see the look on ex-daddy’s face. The others will be suffering big time. Annette and Mum must be in serious pain and I bet Angelica will try to fly home. I guess it all depends on how far along in her umpteenth pregnancy she is. Living on the West Coast and being almost constantly pregnant makes any trip problematic when she has time to plan. Getting home in days might be impossible. Kid bro’ Jamie hasn’t been heard from since a few weeks after Annette’s one day marriage when he headed to Florida with friends. I could be done pretending to be a Douglas by the time he even hears I’m dead.

Somewhere in this it sneaks up on me the family I knew about wasn’t all the family I’d had. I had a twin brother and now he’s dead. Why hadn’t I felt that mystical connection they say twins share? Is this another failing of mine? Sam says I’m a disappointment as a son. Was I that bad a twin too? And mental images of this other Simon come easy. My face and my clothes on a body lying lifeless in a parking lot I crossed for years. It couldn’t have been a mugging if my wallet was still on him. I know for a fact I left a hundred bucks in it. ‘Sides, anyone hard up for cash would have sold Sydney’s knife.

Dara and Robert are right that he at least would be a suspect. I’d heard Robert bitch last month that Dieter lost one of the knives so the cops would just say that the murder weapon is the one missing from the box. For his sake, Dara’s, and even for my own peace of mind we really do have to solve this murder, even if we have to do it on our own. Maybe the psycho will even expose himself somehow. No one mentioned it to my face, but I know from the news that everyone assumes the killer got the wrong brother. That means he really could strike again.

With a start, I realize there’s been one helluva time lapse between that last thought and now. The hooch and the stress have put me out in a bathtub for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. Feeling now like a prune, I let the water drain and then take a quick shower to clean off the filth I’ve been lying in for god knows how long. I step out finally to find the clothes laid out as promised. No briefs or boxers included. Robert could have remembered I don’t wear them but I doubt it. It’s more likely Other Simon went commando too. (another similarity and a new twinge of pain) As I dress I hear voices. TV, I suppose.

I supposed wrong. Robert has been entertaining this Joe person while I was indisposed and in his favorite way. Joe looks like a rumpled god while Robert nurses a drink, looking as innocent as a baby. That’s how I know they did something. Looking innocent is something Robert can only achieve when he’s done something devilish.

Did I mention Joe is a god? Good. He’s my age but looks ten times better. Hard body without being a gym clone or a musclehead. He’s got to be six foot tall with what I bet is usually immaculate chestnut hair and brown eyes that scream sex. I’ve seen models with less defined cheekbones and jaws and those lips of his were made to suck on. I can’t blame Robert for having fun. I’ve been looking at him for only seconds and already I can picture kissing him so hard I could crawl down his throat.

“Thank god you’re okay, Simon. Margate found me at the gala after Gamez called her. We were wrecked until we learned the police had confirmed the dead man wasn’t you.” Simon. Margate. So Joe isn’t the chauffeur like I assumed he was but how much more is he? He wasn’t Simon’s lover if he can take the E ticket ride we call Robert Janes so easily while I was dozing in the bathroom. Still, no matter what his relationship with my twin, he looks like he doesn’t know whether to cry from thinking his Simon was dead or because he apparently isn’t. “I think this was worse than that plane going down and us not knowing you hadn’t boarded as planned. Did you get to meet him before...” Now I know why the guy is familiar. Joe looks like an older version of Johnny West, the guy I lost my virginity to. I realize I have to shut him down before he trips me up. I look right at him and then pointedly glare at Robert. The message could be ‘not in front of a stranger’ or ‘I can’t believe you met him and did him while I was in the other room’ but whatever way Joe takes it, it works and he shuts up.

“Joe got here right after you started soaking. We peeked in and you were already asleep. He says Miss Derwillion got a call from the Philadelphia police on her way home. I raise an eyebrow and Joe takes his cue.

“They’re taking over the investigation. Since the other Simon had no enemies it makes sense someone was after you. That puts all the suspects in the city.” Somewhere along the line Joe buttoned his shirt up wrong and I just now notice. I don’t know if his Simon would smirk when he noticed but I can’t help it. Joe blushes when he sees where I’m staring and fixes it. Robert stays cherub like. “Some detective, Levy or something, wants you to call him as soon as you get up tomorrow. Later today, I guess. Mrs. O’ll have the number.”

“Mrs. O?” Bless you, Robert. It’s a blessing information is something else that he can get out of a man.

“Our housekeeper, Mrs. O’Henry. She’s run the house since Simon’s mother was a girl. She’s been a spare mother to everyone who has ever lived there.” Joe looks at me funny. I guess the mention of either Mrs. O or mother was supposed to get a reaction. My all purpose scowl will have to do. “You ready to go? Margate can drive herself to her morning meeting but her where she needs to be in the afternoon requires her to show up in style. A stud like me in a chauffeur uniform fits the bill and for that I need some sleep if I want to pull it off.” Joe says this jokingly and he may not even realize the truth of what he’s said. He truly is a walking wet dream but he doesn’t act like it. It’s like finding out Brad Pitt is just one of the guys. Robert’s laughed like Joe has said the funniest thing he’s heard all day. I’m not sure if Robert really likes Joe or just wants another romp later. I hope it’s the former. The guy’s starved for affection. True affection anyways. Physical affection he gets in spades. The trouble is any lover he’s ever let himself care about has gone on to inflict even greater emotional pain than even his parents dished out and that’s a pretty high standard to achieve. My bet already on Joe is that he wouldn’t hurt ‘Ert. Listen to me. I’m passing myself as a dead twin with all the hurdles and obstacles that comes with it and I’m worried about Robert’s love life. Above and beyond for friendship, that’s me.

“I’m ready...if the car’s bar is stocked.” He gives me a calculated look Joe can’t see. I guess he has some plan in mind that calls for me to drink and ride. Seeing as how I’m one giant nerve at this point it’s a plan I probably would have followed without any urging. Still, it’s best if I play it Robert’s way. He might suck at long-term planning but no one can improvise their way out of the problem at hand like this guy.

Once down at the car Robert has Joe open the bar right off. He doesn’t stay in the back with me tho’. Armed with a supply of wine coolers he hops in front with Joe. I get a worried look from Joe but a noncommital nod from me assures him this arrangement is fine. Joe can’t suspect my motive is to give Robert plenty of time to interrogate him about the dearly departed. I also do really need some alone time so it works to all our benefits. Well, not totally alone. Comrade Stoli is handy to keep me company again.

Chapter Four: The Skinny

Monday, August 9th
1:00 AM

“Just what the hell is going on here!!”

For just a moment Dara and Robert don’t know how to react. I don’t get all that mad anymore and when I do it’s usually more of a source of amusement for them than anything else. I even have to agree there. My infrequent fits are usually spoiled by laughter if I catch my reflection during one. This one is different and considering the events leading up to it, it feels good to vent like this. I may have to do it this way more often. There’s nothing funny about it. “I was looking forward to what looked like let’s get back together sex when I was summoned back here to deceive a woman who doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Well? Robert, I can see doing this for the money but you, Dara?” On Robert’s face I see an odd look of outrage I’d suggest such a thing and wondering if he really would consider such a thing.

“What the fuck do you know? You got dumped in luxury and were forced to swig expensive booze and lie. Boo fucking hoo!” Warning, islanders! Hurricane Dara has arrived. “You didn’t have to hear Kathy screaming. Can you even picture that? Tough bitch Kathy screaming like a child in pain?” Tears reappear and there’s no stopping them but Dara stiff arms me to keep me from comforting her.

“Back off, ‘Mon. You don’t know what it was like.” Robert speaks in the quietest voice I’ve ever heard him use. It’s scary, boys and girls. Robert loves to be the center of attention and you don’t get it by being shy and unassuming. He should really try this way of speaking more. He’s never had so much of my attention at one time before. “Sure, we know now that wasn’t you on the ground. We know it was Other Simon but did we know then? Did we even know for a full twenty minutes? No. All three of us have always said how much we loved each other but me and Dara didn’t know the depth, you know? We found out exactly how much we loved you, big guy, when we felt that horrible, horrible pain of your loss.” Dara is still blubbering but she shakes her head yes maniacally. That’s gotta hurt.

“Maybe I started off on the wrong foot. Tell me. How was your day?”

The Skinny

It was a dark and stormy day. Well, okay. That part was still a little bit to come. It was a dim and drizzly afternoon. That’s just not what we call a classic opening line. Robert’s shift started at two and Dara’s at four. Dara had stupidly agreed to lunch with her parents so she was running late. That put her in a bad mood and in Kathy’s bad graces.

Kathy was in rare form it seemed. Under that mean and sarcastic exterior was a bitter and cynical interior. It was only when you dug deeper you got to see her heart of gold. Admittedly, it’s very small and seldom used but it is there. Kathy is also very good at denial but we’re happy for that. After all, catching her son Paul in compromising positions with Robert could have been disastrous for our working relationships without that skill.

Anyways, the bit about Kathy is what’s called a digression and you should be used to them by now. I just wanted you to have a better feel for the little Italian hellion. I should mention too that me, Dara, Dieter, and Robert are all Kathy’s favorite employees. Maybe it’s ‘cause we all decide we adored her even before we actually discovered she deserved it. Sound like a good thing? Ha! There’s one big problem with being on Mrs. Barney’s minuscule good side. Let’s call it anti-favoritism. If she likes you she’s harder on you than anyone else just to prove she’s not being unfair. True, that’s also unfair but it’s an unfair Kathy can live with. I didn’t mind it, Robert actually has fun with the situation, and Dara was only occasionally homicidal in reaction.

That’s how it came about that Dara would have to play hostess that afternoon. Anyone else but Dara could have been late that day and they’d just have a shitty section and maybe more than their share of the more annoying regulars. Dara had to hostess, a job that Kathy thought was worse than making the desserts. That suited Dara just fine. The way she felt, playing god with who got a good waiter and who didn’t suited her black mood just fine. It also meant that Dara got to be there when ‘I’ walked in.

“Simon! Why didn’t you tell anyone you were coming back early?” She pulled the poor guy down the hallway to the break room, him confused as all hell. “What went wrong? What did Michael do? He said it was over with that Billy skank so I knew him not coming clean was a bad idea.” At this point in the story I got a little distracted. Knowing Michael had been hot and heavy with Billy put a new spin on my week off. The fact we had not gone at it like bunnies went from sweet to ominous all of a sudden. Memories of Dara telling me the details of Simon insisting he wasn’t me probably couldn’t even be retrieved by hypnosis. I came back to the story just as Robert entered the fun. He was Dara’s first clue this wasn’t me. His reaction rounding the corner and seeing them was very wary. Maybe Robert just sensed he hadn’t ever been with this Simon. So much is about sex with the boy. That’s when a frustrated (and not a little wet from the drizzle outside) Simon produced his license out of frustration.

“Wow. If that wasn’t a different license from a different state I’d still think my Simon had come down with MPD or something.” All three of them were now confused and as a very rich man, Simon Douglas was getting suspicious. Robert went to his locker to take care of that.

“You gotta see this. It’s of me and our Simon when we went to Miami Beach a few years ago.” It was a sweet revelation that Robert kept a work a picture of our only vacation as a pseudo-couple. The trouble is that with what we’d learn about Simon it couldn’t have endeared Robert to him. The picture was taken at a gay bar after we had quite a few drinks. Simon was deeply affected by the picture as much for me being in it as the setting. “You guys are twins. There’s no other explanation. You sound alike, gesture alike, the whole package. Does a hot dog make you lose control?” Simon wasn’t excited by that news and Dara said the reference to the Patty Duke Show’s theme song went over badly too..

“Bullshit. There has to be a more logical explanation.”

“God, you even get pissed alike! Simon said he was adopted but no one’s ever known anything about his birth family. Could he be a Douglas too?” Robert says he wasn’t thinking of the money angle and I believe him. He knew how being disowned had made me feel and was angling to get me a new family.

“I sincerely doubt it. My parents had plenty of opportunities before they died to tell me if I had a brother they didn’t raise or if I were adopted. Surely someone would have mentioned it after the accident. I mean...” Dara and Robert saw at that moment Simon realized something. Maybe it was a turn of a phrase from some relative or a furtive look when he had said something at a family gathering. Whatever it was, it made Simon more receptive to what was going on here. “Is this friend of yours nearby? It might be interesting to meet him.”

“Simon’s down the shore but he’ll be driving back tomorrow morning. You could meet him then.” Simon didn’t like this news.

“Maybe we can schedule something later in the week. I have a meeting early tomorrow in Newark.” Dara says it was clear Simon was growing more interested in meeting me by then but Robert insists it was so well hidden he couldn’t spot it.

“No problem, Simon. The way your lookalike drives, he could be here by dusk. Can you stick around in the meantime? I want to get to know you a little better before you guys get lost in the ‘oh my god, there’s a guy who looks just like me here’ shock.” Dara insists she wasn’t flirting. Robert says she did the hair toss and the giggle and was seconds away from unbuttoning a few buttons on her blouse. Knowing me and Dara’s odd dynamic I think Robert is being more accurate. There has always been an odd undercurrent of attraction between us that Dara and I have never really confronted.

“It would be my pleasure, Miss McCray, but I’m afraid I got a little water logged on the way here. I’ll have to return to the Ambassador for dry clothes while we’re waiting.” Dara and Robert both suspected the man might take the chance to bolt and luckily had a plan.

“Nonsense. Your...well, let’s call him your brother until we know better...left a change of clothes here. Thank god I guess that I kept forgetting to drop them by his place.” Insert the ominous music here. Now starts the chain of events leading to tragedy and mistaken identity. “There in number sixty-eight. You change while we call Si.” Now the next part I know because I was the one called.

Dara and Simon stayed in the break room talking. Robert says the other me was trying too hard to act straight. My twin was either a closet case or as repressed as anyone Robert has ever seen. Dara apparently loved it and Robert thinks way too much. He said I should definitely read something into it. Just exactly what he wouldn’t say but something nonetheless. She even locked the door.

Robert’s had the easiest task: keeping Kathy, Susan, Victoria, and the others away from them. He figured it wouldn’t help the new guy’s mood if he had to go through the ‘gosh, you look just like Simon’ routine seven more times. It took stories ranging from woman troubles to a bad case of the trots but no one wanted to brave Dara’s company that afternoon. It helped that it was slow enough for Kathy to not mind having Dara off the payroll but busy enough no one else needed the break room. Finally though, an impatient Simon Douglas got up to leave.

“Oh, you can’t give up now. Simon won’t be much longer.” She was afraid Simon had finally freaked and it would be forever before she and Robert could get us together in the same room again.

“Oh, I assure you I’m not leaving. I just need my cell phone and PDA so I can get a little work done. This was partly a scouting a trip and I think I’ve found a new acquisition.”

Near as Dara and Robert can figure, Simon was dead less than a minute later. Five minutes later Kathy made her awful discovery. Twenty more would pass before my friends realized exactly who was lying dead in the parking lot. By that time the police had arrived and they decided to let everyone keep on thinking that it was really me lying dead as a, well dead thing.

It was just dumb luck that Simon had forgotten his room key and wallet in the break room. Weirder still was that Robert had forgotten his promise to me that he’d take my wallet out of my pants and it was on Simon Douglas as he was podded and poked. At this point, the only unanswered question is why they decided I had to stay dead and take over Simon Douglas’ life.